Jordan's Page of Useless Babble

The Double Down Dilemma - 07-27-2012
    After being hounded for months to finally try the KFC Double Down, Jordan breaks down and decides to finally try one. For kicks, he decides to get somebody else in on the madness.

Top 10 Dicks of 2011 - 12-31-2011
    A recollection of the ten douchiest jackasses of the past year.

Top 10 Toys We Can No Longer Enjoy Because of Dumbass Kids - 12-24-2011
    A look back at 10 wonderful toys we can no longer play with because some dumbass maimed themselves on them.

The Worst Conversation Ever - 11-24-2011
    Jordan tries really hard to be polite on a dating website and fails miserably.

Cooking with Booberry - 10-31-2011
    The third in a cereal series, Jordan creates four desserts using Booberry cereal.

Top 10 Deadliest Foods - 01-21-2011
    A fond look at 10 foods that will kill your ass.

Top 10 Articles of 2010 - 12-31-2010
    A list of the 10 most popular articles on Useless Babble in 2010.

Reasons to be Scared Shitless of Christmas - 12-24-2010
    Reasons why you should hide out in a bomb-shelter this holiday season.

Cooking with Frankenberry - 10-29-2010
    In a sequel to last year's experiments, Jordan creates three desserts using Frankenberry cereal.

Chanukah in September - 10-01-2010
    Special guest stars and a Jones Soda Chanukah Pack. Awesomeness.

Top 10 Worst Variations on Good Sodas - 08-06-2010
    The most bile-raising, cringe-inducing sodas that they tried to market to us.

The Lost April Fool's Joke - 07-09-2010
    It never got a chance to shine back in April, so why not get a cheap laugh now?

The Nutrisoda Experiment - 06-25-2010
    Jordan and friends go all scientific on your ass and see if Nutrisoda really does what it claims.

The Top 8 MMO Catastrophes Caused by their Players - 05-14-2010
    Take a look at the worst disasters that had no effect on the real world.

Why Die Hard 2 Rocks Your Face Off Like Norman Schwarzkopf - 03-18-2010
    An unbiased explanation of why Die Hard 2 is the greatest film of all time.

More Valentines from the Reject Pile - 02-12-2010
    Some more Valentines day cards that were rejected by greeting-card-fat-cats.

Top 10 TV Shows with Titles that Could be Used for Porn - 01-22-2010
    A look at 10 TV shows that make us giggle when we have our minds in the gutter.

Top 10 Dicks of 2009 - 01-01-2010
    Now that 2009 is over, it's time to look back on those purely evil dicks that made us shake our heads.

Top 5 Christmas Toy Crazes that Ended in Bloodshed - 12-25-2009
    Take a look back at the Christmas toys parents beat the shit out of for.

From Soda to Superheroes - 11-20-2009
    Useless Babble's first anniversary. A look back at the best and the worst of 2009.

Hometown of the Dead - 10-31-2009
    Jordan's hometown hosts a zombie-walk. He's just there to make snide comments.

Cooking with Count Chocula - 10-30-2009
    In homage to a classic comic strip, Jordan bakes desserts using Count Chocula.

Super Canucks - 08-07-2009
    Check out the Top 5 Superheroes and Super Villains from the Great White North.

The Laws of Lost - 07-10-2009
    An examination of the laws that govern the mysterious Island of Lost.

The Coin Collection - 06-11-2009
    What do you do when you have a ton of spare change?

Snuggies: A Convincing Argument for Human Extinction - 05-14-2009
    It's about blankets. Blankets with sleeves.

Easter World Domination - 04-10-2009
    It's snowy at Easter, so I'll take it out on the world!

April Fools '09 - 04-01-2009
    If you missed it, check out the retro-styled April Fools Day 2009 homepage.

That's a Wrap! - 03-22-2009
    Jordan test-drives a new wrap from McDonald's, develops food poisoning.

Valentines from the Reject Pile - 02-13-2009
    A fun look at some rejected Valentine's Day card proposals I sent to the big companies.

Heroes Predictions '09 - 02-07-2009
    Take a look at Jordan's top 10 predictions for the next season of Heroes.

The Great Crush Tasting - 11-19-2008
    10 flavors of Crush, 6 taste-testers. Watch was we revel in some good flavors and torture ourselves with others.

Janes FlatJacks - 10-05-2012
    There's a million things that you can do with two-dimensional poultry.

Kinnikinnick Foods' Gluten Free Cinnamon Sugar Donuts - 09-07-2012
    Jordan and Zaz try out some donuts made for hypochondriacs.

Gamer Grub - 08-10-2012
    Jordan and Zaz test out Gamer Grub to figure out if it's a precursor to Bachelor Chow.

Eat-In Breakfast English Muffin - 07-13-2012
    Jordan invites three other people to join him in reviewing microwavable eggs, meat and cheese product on english muffins.

Swanson's Salisbury Steak (with NEW Great Taste!) - 02-26-2012
    Is it another steaming turd, or do they actually mean that it doesn't suck?

Stouffer's Barbecue Chicken - 09-10-2011
    Will the return of Horrors of the Icebox be a triumph or end in another potato-related homicide?

Aunt Jemima Scrambles with Sausage Crumble and Egg - 04-28-2011
    Breakfast? For dinner? This is either the greatest day ever, or a steady descent into madness.

WeightWatchers Smart Ones Strawberry Shortcake - 03-05-2011
    In celebration of National Frozen Food Day, Jordan eats undercooked cake.

Stouffer's Veal Parmigiana - 03-04-2011
    It's time to eat a baby...cow.

Swanson Hungry-Man Mexican Style Fiesta - 02-04-2011
    All the charm of a back alley in Tijuana, frozen for your convenience.

Irresistibles Life Smart Meatloaf - 12-10-2010
    All the goodness of ground beef. Now with flax!

WeightWatchers Smart Ones Breakfast Quesadilla - 11-12-2010
    It's a bit unorthodox, but just roll with it ok?

Michelina's Harmony Chicken Caesar - 10-15-2010
    It's not a salad, it's pasta! And it's not Caesar, it's...something else entirely.

Stouffer's Lean Cuisine Grilled Chicken Carbonara - 09-16-2010
    Chicken, bacon and cheese. How in the hell is that low-fat?

President's Choice Blue Menu Roast Turkey with Vegetables - 08-20-2010
    Back to basics with a low-fat turkey dinner.

Healthy Choice Gourmet Steamers Cajun Chicken & Shrimp - 07-22-2010
    Jordan tackles a low-fat option and his nemesis - the shrimp.

Parker Lee Spicy Hot Beef Noodle Bowl - 05-28-2010
    How spicy does Parker Lee mean when they say spicy?

Cravings Low-Fat Cheesecakes - 03-04-2010
    Keylime, cherry and chocolate cheesecakes to celebrate National Frozen Food Day!

Better Food Wrap 'N Go Bean Burrito Extravaganza - 02-05-2010
    Three burritos...bought from a hardware store!

President's Choice Chipotle Chicken and Gaujillo Vegetable Bean Quesadillas - 01-08-2010
    Two more free quesadillas round out the entire collection.

President's Choice Smokin' Stampede Pulled Pork Quesadillas - 12-11-2009
    Jordan makes implied masturbation jokes and tries out a free meal.

Aunt Jemima's Scrambled Eggs and Bacon - 11-12-2009
    Jordan has bacon and eggs and then hangs himself.

Swanson Hungry-Man's Sports Grill Jumbo Popcorn Chicken and Pizza Sticks - 10-16-2009
    Jordan muses over sauces and invents new words while finally completing a long-awaited review.

President's Choice General Tao Chicken - 09-17-2009
    Chinese food and sweet sweet freedom.

Meal, Ready-to-Eat - 08-21-2009
    Jordan gets his dirty hands on an MRE and has his own private mess.

No Name Chicken Nugget Dinner - 07-24-2009
    Jordan decides he hasn't gotten quite enough vinegar in his diet.

Swanson Hungry-Man Backyard Barbeque - 06-24-2009
    Jordan is forced to try another Hungry-Man meal and predictably dislikes the experience.

Michelina's Zap'ems Three Cheese Pizza - 05-28-2009
    Jordan's puns get too cheesy and he goes out of his whey to make them bad.

Stouffer's Large Portion Meatloaf - 05-01-2009
    Jordan would do anything for love, but he won't do that.

Aunt Jemima Griddlecake Sandwiches - 04-18-2009
    After a short break, I'm forced to continue making reviews.

WeightWatcher's Smart Ones Double Fudge Cake - 03-05-2009
    As a celebration of Frozen Food Day, I binge on frozen diet cakes.

No-Name Salisbury Steak Dinner - 02-20-2009
    Jordan examines the greatest invention of the insane Dr. Salisbury.

Stouffer's Bistro Barbecue Chicken & Bacon Panini - 01-30-2009
    Toast? From a microwave? You sir are mad!

Swanson Hungry-Man's Beer Battered Chicken and Cheese Fries - 01-17-2009
    My God, it's full of grease.

Swanson Stuffing Baked Turkey - 12-14-2008
    Some creatures from the Monster Manual do exist in real life.

Michelina's Zap'ems Taco Bites - 11-29-2008
    Tasty Tex-Mex food, or good use for leftover dogfood?

Jordan vs. Jordan

Batman vs. Superman - 06-11-2010
    Who's better -- the Dark Knight or the Man of Steel?

Scott Pilgrim vs. The World - 09-03-2010
    A video game inspired by a love of video games.

Fret Nice - 02-19-2010
    Successful simulation of a drunken guitarist.

Lee Trevino's Fighting Golf - 11-27-2009
    A boring game about a boring sport.

Wall Street Kid - 09-03-2009
    Buy and sell stocks for "fun" and "excitement".

Mail-Bag: Best of the Spam pt. 2 - 03-25-2012
    More sarcastic responses to emails nobody reads.

Mail-Bag: Best of the Spam pt. 1 - 09-25-2011
    Jordan replies to emails from people who don't exist.

Mail-Bag: April - October '09 - 10-02-2009
    More horrific letters from strange people.

Mail-Bag: March '09 - 03-27-2009
    The premier article of mail-bag, filled with poorly written letters.

Turd Ferguson's Life in Jeopardy

The Rules and Ettiquette of Rape - 08-24-2012
    In his second article, Turd details how to perform a proper legitimate rape.

Tips from the Men's Room - 01-11-2009
    In his first article, Turd discusses important public bathroom rules.