Jordan's Page of Useless Babble

Season 1: Introductions

Season 1 was the introduction of Horrors of the Icebox. Things were pretty shaky at first, and often we'd be scrambling at the last minute to even pick what would be reviewed the next week. Originally the first two reviews were the only ones planned. Nobody had any idea that it would become a reoccurring feature on the site.

Michelina's Zap'ems Taco Bites - 11-29-2008
    Tasty Tex-Mex food, or good use for leftover dogfood?

Swanson Stuffing Baked Turkey - 12-14-2008
    Some creatures from the Monster Manual do exist in real life.

Swanson Hungry-Man's Beer Battered Chicken and Cheese Fries - 01-17-2009
    My God, it's full of grease.

Stouffer's Bistro Barbecue Chicken & Bacon Panini - 01-30-2009
    Toast? From a microwave? You sir are mad!

No-Name Salisbury Steak Dinner - 02-20-2009
    Jordan examines the greatest invention of the insane Dr. Salisbury.

WeightWatcher's Smart Ones Double Fudge Cake - 03-05-2009
    As a celebration of Frozen Food Day, I binge on frozen diet cakes.

Aunt Jemima Griddlecake Sandwiches - 04-18-2009
    After a short break, I'm forced to continue making reviews.

Season 2: Kidnapping

After the first six reviews, a fake kidnapping was planned. Jordan would be taken away and forced to review more frozen dinners against his will. There is a kernel of truth to this: Jordan had grown really tired of doing the reviews and wanted to try something different. In retrospect, this was probably one of the worst ways to do it. It was foreshadowed in the March '09 Mailbag article and from May through September of 2009, Jordan was effectively 'kidnapped'. A fake site administrator named Rast posted site updates, and administrated the forums, while these articles came in regularly. The kidnapper had a fake email address set up and everything. It was all very elaborate.

The problem was that early on, the site didn't get a huge amount of traffic, so many people didn't know or care what was going on. The big event that was planned fizzled from the start and a contest that was being developed got cut. Live and learn.

Stouffer's Large Portion Meatloaf - 05-01-2009
    Jordan would do anything for love, but he won't do that.

Michelina's Zap'ems Three Cheese Pizza - 05-28-2009
    Jordan's puns get too cheesy and he goes out of his whey to make them bad.

Swanson Hungry-Man Backyard Barbeque - 06-24-2009
    Jordan is forced to try another Hungry-Man meal and predictably dislikes the experience.

No Name Chicken Nugget Dinner - 07-24-2009
    Jordan decides he hasn't gotten quite enough vinegar in his diet.

Meal, Ready-to-Eat - 08-21-2009
    Jordan gets his dirty hands on an MRE and has his own private mess.

President's Choice General Tao Chicken - 09-17-2009
    Chinese food and sweet sweet freedom.

Season 3: Back to Basics

After the confusion of Season 2, the next set of reviews went back to the basics. Reviews were done without any pretense of storyline, and all was good with the world. The name of this season also alludes to the fact that of the seven reviews (six plus the Frozen Food Day Special), five of them are reviews of a single product. Most reviews in the past dealt with a meal that had 3-5 components each. These were reviews of meals that had one component, but there would be 2-3 different meals reviewed at a time.

Swanson Hungry-Man's Sports Grill Jumbo Popcorn Chicken and Pizza Sticks - 10-16-2009
    Jordan muses over sauces and invents new words while finally completing a long-awaited review.

Aunt Jemima's Scrambled Eggs and Bacon - 11-12-2009
    Jordan has bacon and eggs and then hangs himself.

President's Choice Smokin' Stampede Pulled Pork Quesadillas - 12-11-2009
    Jordan makes implied masturbation jokes and tries out a free meal.

President's Choice Chipotle Chicken and Gaujillo Vegetable Bean Quesadillas - 01-08-2010
    Two more free quesadillas round out the entire collection.

Better Food Wrap 'N Go Bean Burrito Extravaganza - 02-05-2010
    Three burritos...bought from a hardware store!

Cravings Low-Fat Cheesecakes - 03-04-2010
    Keylime, cherry and chocolate cheesecakes to celebrate National Frozen Food Day!

Parker Lee Spicy Hot Beef Noodle Bowl - 05-28-2010
    How spicy does Parker Lee mean when they say spicy?

Season 4: Health-Conscious

The fourth "season" of Horrors of the Ice Box dealt exclusively with "healthy" frozen dinners. We had reviewed some healthy options before (both as Frozen Food Day Specials), but never an actual meal. Due to the high amount of salt in each meal, a comparison for each meal is given, to see which meal is the most likely to cause a stroke.

Healthy Choice Gourmet Steamers Cajun Chicken & Shrimp - 07-22-2010
    Jordan tackles a low-fat option and his nemesis - the shrimp.

President's Choice Blue Menu Roast Turkey with Vegetables - 08-20-2010
    Back to basics with a low-fat turkey dinner.

Stouffer's Lean Cuisine Grilled Chicken Carbonara - 09-16-2010
    Chicken, bacon and cheese. How in the hell is that low-fat?

Michelina's Harmony Chicken Caesar - 10-15-2010
    It's not a salad, it's pasta! And it's not Caesar, it's...something else entirely.

WeightWatchers Smart Ones Breakfast Quesadilla - 11-12-2010
    It's a bit unorthodox, but just roll with it ok?

Irresistibles Life Smart Meatloaf - 12-10-2010
    All the goodness of ground beef. Now with flax!

Season 5: Conspicuously Unhealthy

The fifth group of Horrors reviews started in February of 2011, with a call to the return to high-fat, low-quality foods. Emphasis is placed on uniquely unhealthy options, especially meals that haven't been covered before.

Swanson Hungry-Man Mexican Style Fiesta - 02-04-2011
    All the charm of a back alley in Tijuana, frozen for your convenience.

Stouffer's Veal Parmigiana - 03-04-2011
    It's time to eat a baby...cow.

WeightWatchers Smart Ones Strawberry Shortcake - 03-05-2011
    In celebration of National Frozen Food Day, Jordan eats undercooked cake.

Aunt Jemima Scrambles with Sausage Crumble and Egg - 04-28-2011
    Breakfast? For dinner? This is either the greatest day ever, or a steady descent into madness.

Stouffer's Barbecue Chicken - 09-10-2011
    Will the return of Horrors of the Icebox be a triumph or end in another potato-related homicide?

Swanson's Salisbury Steak (with NEW Great Taste!) - 02-26-2012
    Is it another steaming turd, or do they actually mean that it doesn't suck?

Season 6: Out of the Icebox

Season 6 is an attempt to try out terrible foods that aren't necessarily frozen, or at the very least try something new. Focus on the unusual doesn't necessarily makes these reviews unique. What sets them apart are that they aren't frozen, compartmentalized dinners. This season is ongoing.

Eat-In Breakfast English Muffin - 07-13-2012
    Jordan invites three other people to join him in reviewing microwavable eggs, meat and cheese product on english muffins.

Gamer Grub - 08-10-2012
    Jordan and Zaz test out Gamer Grub to figure out if it's a precursor to Bachelor Chow.

Kinnikinnick Foods' Gluten Free Cinnamon Sugar Donuts - 09-07-2012
    Jordan and Zaz try out some donuts made for hypochondriacs.

Janes FlatJacks - 10-05-2012
    There's a million things that you can do with two-dimensional poultry.