Jordan's Page of Useless Babble

Heroes Predictions '09

I will make no excuses for myself. I love Heroes. It's my guilty little pleasure, and probably the one time a week that I turn on my TV and actually watch the thing.

Now some have said that Heroes is a little formulaic, but really, look at the source material. Comic books are some of the most formulaic things this side of a soap opera. Superman died a few years back, he's back. Batman and Captain America are dead now too. They'll be back.

Heroes does have that little way of giving a twist in just the right place to keep viewers interested, and these plot revelations can come right out of left-field. I do have an idea of what's going to happen this year on Heroes, so without further adieu, here are my Heroes predictions for 2009.

Hey sailor!
Hey sailor!
Prediction #1: Sylar will be a good-guy briefly before becoming a bad-guy again.
Ok ok, this one is a gimmie. Sylar will do a good deed, or connect with another character in a meaningful dramatic way and possibly spend multiple episodes making viewers think that he'll stay that way and depose Peter as the main character, before reverting to evil for no discernable reason at all. He will smile, but it will be a creepy smile where his head is bowed and he's looking up at the camera.

Prediction #2: Peter will take his shirt off.
The ladies love Peter. He will take his shirt off for at least 3/4s of an episode this year. His perfectly smooth torso will then be disseminated throughout the internet by raving fangirls and used in erotic photoshops showing him in a variety of poses with other, similarly attired costars.

Live long and please don't kill me.
Live long and please don't kill me.
Prediction #3: Sylar will make a Star Trek reference.
For those of you who have been living under a rock, or just have a life, Zachary Quinto is playing Spock in the new Star Trek movie. Can producers of Heroes resist having Zachary make a reference to Spock? Hell no! The smart money is in an uneasy exchange between Sylar and Hiro giving the Vulcan salute to one another.

Prediction #4: Noah Bennet will kick some ass.
Noah Bennet, the Man in the Horn-Rimmed Glasses is a bad-ass motherfucker. There's no question about it. He is one of the few non-superpowered characters on Heroes and is handily able to chew up and spit out any cocksure supervillain or superhero that gets it into their fool head to try and take him on. Now, saying that Noah will kick ass is one thing. I'm going to go one more and say that he'll kill a man with his bare hands, and it'll be either by gouging the victim's eyes out and then attacking at the soft fleshy parts within, or by breaking the man's neck in a classic Steven Seagal-inspired move.

This is the true face of evil.
This is the true face of evil.
Prediction #5: The true villain will be revealed.
Who's the one character who has been able to survive attacks by Sylar and Elle Bishop without a scratch and has been able to spy on several powered characters without being detected, or even acknowledged? Mr. Muggles, the small Pomeranian that's doted on by Sandra Bennet. Mr. Muggles has had access to several powered characters as well as the secret files of Primatech Paper making him one of the most knowledgeable and deadly characters in Heroes. Don't believe me? In a world where humans are evolving to do things like produce nuclear explosions and read minds, it's probable that some humans can appear as unassuming animals.

Mark my words: Mr. Muggles WILL be the next major villain on Hereoes

Prediction #6: Gratuitous near nudity.
Ok, so ratings for Heroes have been falling slightly. What's the best remedy? That's right, near nudity. Heroes is unfortunately on basic cable, so they can just get their actresses topless. That shit don't fly on NBC. Having skimpy bikinis, lingerie, and hand-bras is allowed. Hell, we all know that Hayden Panettiere and Ali Larter have the goods. Now it's time to show them off. It's all for the ratings after all.

Prediction #7: Ando will touch Peter's shoulder; destroy Eastern Seaboard.
Last volume, Ando artificially received the power to enhance other powers, giving us the perfect excuse to see one of the coolest character deaths in the history of television, movies, books or whatever else you can think of. When Ando uses his power on Peter, who has the power of empathic ability learning, expect Peter's head to explode violently from the force of all those powers entering his system at once (think Scanners), and the resulting shockwave should be enough to level every building within a hundred miles.

We need more jiggawatts!
We need more jiggawatts!
Prediction #8: Hiro will travel back in time to the first season; kill Sylar, Peter, and Ted Sprague; reboot plot.
Back in Volume 3 we see Hiro attack Ando before disappearing. Presumably we believe Hiro to be killed, something that Hiro bitches about continuously for several episodes. This is a preview of Ando's new power gained near the end of the volume and he's really powering up Hiro's time-travelling ability. Hiro's really running forwards while teleporting (something he can't do on his own) so he can go back in time and ninja-kill the parents of Sylar, Peter and Ted Sprague. Without any of these characters, the entire series reboots. There is no exploding man, the cheerleader doesn't need to be saved, there is no secret formula and there is no super-powered serial killer. With 3-6 murders, Hiro effectively averts 3 world crises and saves countless lives in the process. Buy that man a beer!

Prediction #9: Animal-based mutations.
They've skirted this with Mohinder in Volume 3, but expect to see more animal-based mutations, where a character slowly metamorphisizes into a human-animal hybrid. I'm not saying expect any Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, but definitely expect Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

WTF?  I'm not a mind-reader? LOL
WTF? I'm not a mind-reader? LOL
Prediction #10: It was all a dream.
Heroes will turn out to be the vivid fever dream of Seth Norris, the pilot of Flight 815 which crashed on a deserted island stranding the survivors there at the beginning of Lost. In his dream, Seth believes that he is Matt Parkman, a police officer and psychic who definitely is not hanging upside down and having a hallucination before being awoken and subsequently killed by a smoke monster.

NBC has done this before with St. Elsewhere (which turned out to be all the imagination of an autistic boy), and Heroes will end the same way. Sure, it's a really lame way to end a show, but damnit, if you're going to end something, you might as well make sure that thinking about it gives people massive headaches for decades to come.

So there you go. Ten Heroes predictions for 2009. Bookmark this list and come look at it in 2010 and marvel at how amazingly accurate these predictions are. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised!

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