I was inspired to begin these reviews after reading some material written about the Hungry-Man All Day Breakfast and trying it out for myself. Up until that point, I had been pretty sheltered, and beyond a couple of frozen pasta dinners, I hadn't really had any exposure to TV dinners. That opened my eyes, and I found myself in a living hell. The All Day Breakfast will likely haunt me until I die (and I thank my lucky stars that I haven't been able to find one since beginning these articles).
A little while back, I was relating this story while explaining what I was doing looking for TV dinners. The next thing I knew, I had the Hungry-Man Sports Grill Beer Battered Chicken & Cheese Fries meal in my shopping cart. This was actually one of the first meals I found, but to be honest, it scared me. Looking back on the experience, I'm still frightened about it, and not just because of the freakishly long name. Without any further adieu, let's look at the rules.
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Rule #1:
I must follow cooking procedures exactly as they're shown on the container. I will not deviate from those instructions in any way, and I must prepare food in the fastest manner presented to me. -
Rule #2:
I must consume everything that comes with the meal. No hiding of disgusting parts will be tolerated. (In the unlikely event of bones or other inedibles, allowances will be made). -
Rule #3:
To make sure my palate is completely free of obstructions, I may only be allowed either water or alcohol. Alcohol does not include fancy-pants fruity girly drinks. -
Rule #4:
All food will be graded by smell, taste and mouthfeel, with less offensive qualities receiving higher marks. At the end, each part is receives an average score. The full meal is graded by the average score of each component. Appearance of the food is not graded because, let's face it, they all look pretty bad.
So, I pull the package out of the box, and I'm greeted with a smell. Well, smell is maybe a bit too light of a term. It's really a stench. Have you ever had a skunky beer? Well, it's kind of like that. And yes, it is worse when it's on food than in a bottle. Also, you can't tell from the picture but the cheese isn't spread evenly over the fries. And it's not really cheese. It looks like frozen cheese spread, like Velveeta, and it's in a puck shape. So, if you haven't already ascertained, this meal consists of chicken and fries covered with a processed cheese product. It's not really fancy, but this kind of thing doesn't have to be.
Remember how I said earlier that the chicken smelled bad? That was with the plastic film still attached. After opening up the package and chiseling out the chicken, my kitchen filled with the smell of bad beer. In sub-zero temperatures, I opened up the windows and let the arctic breezes gently waft the odor out...at least temporarily.
Finally, the cooking was done, and it was time to consume.
Cooking has only slightly lessened the stench of bad beer from the chicken. The taste however is very neutral. I could be eating foam rubber for all I know. The batter itself tastes slightly like beer, but it's gritty in places and slimy in others. The whole package is one big bunch of greasy pieces of chicken, or pressed chicken-sweepings. The jury is still out. At the risk of sounding like a more interesting friend of mine: it's like somebody squeezed a fat guy all over the food.
Smell: 4/10
Taste: 4/10
Mouthfeel: 2/10
Total Score: 
(3.3/10)
The smell coming off the fries makes the stale-beer smell of the chicken seem tame in comparison. My stomach turned almost immediately after getting close to them, yet like the chicken, it's strangely devoid of taste. Usually I give a score of '5' for neutrality, but the cheese that covers the fries is plastic and tasteless as well. For not having taste in cheese, something that is generally very flavorful, I'm deducting extra points.
In addition, several fries in the box were actually uncooked. Now I'm not talking about them still being frozen in the middle. When foods like these are boxed up, they're actually cooked first. That's why I can get away with cooking chicken for 4-1/2 minutes in a microwave. Some of these fries were actually uncooked slabs of raw potato. That's just fucking wrong and there's no excuse for that.
Smell: 3/10
Taste: 3/10
Mouthfeel: 1/10
Total Score: (2.3/10)
About a third of the way through the meal, I decided that this wasn't fun anymore. I was going to give up the website, and convert it to gardening website. Vegetable gardening. I didn't want to ever eat anything that I didn't explicitly follow from genesis to my plate again.
Two-thirds of the way through, I began getting stomach cramps. These weren't "hurr hurr I'm being funny" cramps. I was actually doubled-over in pain. My system wasn't ready to handle such a massive influx of grease in one go. Throwing up no longer became a possibility, it had become an inevitability as my body continued to reject what I was forcing into it.
Finally, I finished the meal. My eyes were watering and I was gagging the last few bites, washing them down with entire glasses of water. I kept it down too. To this day, I don't know how I didn't throw up, but I'm certain beyond any shade of a doubt that whoever gave the go-ahead to put this meal into production should be imprisoned for crimes against humanity.
Smell: 3.5/10
Taste: 3.5/10
Mouthfeel: 1.5/10
Total Score: 
(2.8/10)
Bottom line is this: Friedrich Nietzshe once said "God is dead". This is proof of two things: the existence of time travel and the fact that he also ate the Hungry-Man Beer Battered Chicken & Cheese Fries meal.
Next time we'll be trying out an experiment. Can bread toast in the microwave? Stouffer's says yes. We'll see if they're full of shit when I review Stouffer's Barbecue Chicken & Bacon Bistro Panini.
