If you read the blog, this probably isn't news to you, but if you don't, you should probably read But Aren't They Missing the Point? Canadian Tire, the premier hardware/gardening/home improvement store in Canada has decided to start testing out a new concept: groceries. I guess the point is to try to go for a Wal-Mart vibe, but the whole thing comes off as kind of bizarre.
Anyway, as I observed this campaign of madness, I decided to pick up some burritos that I'd never seen before. Hey, it's not another Stouffer's, there's something to be said for variety, and how could you possibly go wrong with burritos.
So, the word burrito comes from the roots burro, which means 'donkey' in Spanish, so burrito literally translates to 'little donkey'. I can only imagine that the name originates from the practice of stuffing a tiny donkey full of meat, beans and rice so that they burst when beaten by children with sticks in a crude and gory version of a piñata.
Today, instead of stuffing food into a miniature and unwilling farm animal, the stuffing goes into a tortilla, which is then wrapped and consumed, and is as much street food as it is delicious.
To get back to the original point, I had gotten myself three Better Food brand Wrap 'N Go burritos from Canadian Tire. I've never heard about Better Food before. All I have to say is that it Better be Food, but I've never really had many large expectations for food I bought at the hardware store.
Oh, before I forget, I woke up Monday morning with a terrible sinus infection, that's still hurting me something terrible. Hopefully these things will be able to flush out my sinuses and not my bowels.
And now, without further adieu, the rules:
-
Rule #1:
I must follow cooking procedures exactly as they're shown on the container. I will not deviate from those instructions in any way, and I must prepare food in the fastest manner presented to me. -
Rule #2:
I must consume everything that comes with the meal. No hiding of disgusting parts will be tolerated. (In the unlikely event of bones or other inedibles, allowances will be made). -
Rule #3:
To make sure my palate is completely free of obstructions, I may only be allowed either water or alcohol. Alcohol does not include fancy-pants fruity girly drinks. -
Rule #4:
All food will be graded by smell, taste and mouthfeel, with less offensive qualities receiving higher marks. At the end, each part is receives an average score. The full meal is graded by the average score of each component. Appearance of the food is not graded because, let's face it, they all look pretty bad.
And with all that out of the way, it's time to start in.
So, here's the first of the burrito threesome. It's Beef and Bean. It's like taking beans, and adding some beans and then wrapping it all up in a tortilla. Yeah, there's really not much to say about the construction. It's like Taco Bell food. Hundreds of items can be constructed from combinations of 5 ingredients.
The burrito smells somewhat greasy, and hell, it really looks that way too. A small pool of oil as flowed out of the middle of the package and congealed on my plate as I was carrying it to the table. Other than that, it sort of smells like wet tortilla. Nothing really special to write home about.
The whole thing is very sparse on taste. There's some mild spice, and it's got umami, or fullness of flavor, in spades. It's like eating a meaty potato. All in all it's pleasant.
When we get to mouthfeel, that's where it starts to fall apart. The tortilla is gummy and quite dry, and the beans inside are also devoid of liquid and very sticky. It's not a great eating experience. Hell, the damn thing ruptured in the microwave and I had to eat it with a fork like a goddamn sissy. What the hell is that? Burritos are a man's food, and like all masculine meals, they must be eaten by hand or dropped directly from plate to mouth. This is something I cannot forgive.
Smell: 5.0/10
Taste: 7.0/10
Mouthfeel: 4.0/10
Total Score: 
(5.3/10)
Love the taste of cheese, but hate getting your pooper bunged up after you go on a binge? Why not combine it with the laxitastic powers of refried beans!
Ok, so I don't really get the allure of combining beans and cheese together. It's not really something that I've done before. I can't imagine any of you would really be dropping a handful of cheddar on top of a bowl of baked beans either. It's a strange combination, and one that I don't think really works together too well.
The burrito smells a lot like Beef and Bean, but there's a slight hint of cheese as well. It's not exactly a great smell, but it's far from offensive. We can work with this.
There's a neutral taste, with none of the sparse spice of Beef and Bean. I can see the cheese inside the burrito, but the beans totally overpower it. I can't taste the cheese at all. Big wonder there.
The tortilla itself is still kind of dry, but there's none of the gumminess like before. The beans are quite smooth and almost creamy in consistency, like butter that will make you fart a lot. It's quite nice all in all.
Smell: 5.0/10
Taste: 5.0/10
Mouthfeel: 6.0/10
Total Score: (5.3/10)
The final burrito in the list is Spicy Beef and Bean. I guess it's supposed to be like Beef and Bean, but, you know, spicy.
Strangely enough, this smells like Beef and Bean. There is however, a faint glimmer of hope, the slight tang of spice that beckons to me like a beautiful woman. If anything can clear out my sinuses, I'm hoping that this can, and so far it's promising.
The taste, is also exactly like Beef and Bean, but with some more spice to it. The spiciness is tangible, but it's definitely not something to write home about. If you're big into Scoville units, you'll want to dab some hot sauce on this puppy. That's not to say that it's bad...far from it, it just doesn't quite live up to the promise on the package.
The tortilla is unfortunately dry and sticky, it must be a curse from the gods of microwave burritos. This is however, not at all greasy like the Beef and Bean was, and it's much more of a pleasant experience to eat. What's more, nothing on the inside is dry. It's all quite moist in there.
Smell: 6.0/10
Taste: 8.0/10
Mouthfeel: 5.0/10
Total Score: (6.3/10)
Well, there you have it. And here's a little recap:
| Wrap 'N Go Burrito | ||||
| Beef and Bean | ||||
| Bean and Cheese | ||||
| Spicy Beef and Bean |
So, all in all, these aren't actually bad. They're not great, but they're not bad, and a far cry from the terrible food was expecting. Unfortunately they weren't spicy enough to do anything to help my sinus infection.
Bottom line is this: Sometimes you actually can get something to eat at the hardware store that isn't a bag of peanuts. Oh, and don't rely on Mexican food to fix your infections. Take some damned antibiotics.
