With non-stop rain and even the occasional drift of snow lately, I've been hiding indoors. It's not that I'm afraid of it. It's just that snow invokes somewhat homicidal urges in me. This time of year, it's good to have a distraction from it all. So when I saw a box of Swanson's Salisbury Steak on the shelf at my grocery store, and then noticed the 'New Great Taste' notification boldly printed on the front in yellow and red, I knew I had found just the thing to keep me from taking a hostage.

There's a 99.5% chance that this meal will not look like it does on the box by the time it's been plated.

Now I haven't ever had the original Swanson's Salisbury Steak, and now it looks like I'll never have the chance. Back in 2009, I reviewed the No-Name Salisbury Steak Dinner and it was pretty mediocre. If this thing is any better, I'll be really happy.

Dr. James Henry Salisbury created the Salisbury steak in a bizarre attempt to become a meat-based supervillain in the 19th century. He convinced people that vegetables caused cancer and distributed the meat patties that he dubiously called 'steaks'. Had he not been stopped by the Batman, he may have succeeded in his plan to cause mass heart-disease amongst the citizens of Gotham.

So, this meal has the one thing I love about these things: lots of compartments. We've got the 'steak', some mashed taters, gravy, corn niblets and an apple-cranberry dessert that the ingredients refer to as compost...err...compote. That means that apart from the dessert, it's virtually identical to the contents of the No-Name version, which will give us a good comparison.

All that work to cook it, and very little reward.

Cooking instructions are pretty standard. Poke holes here, remove film there. It's my sincerest hope that one day in the future the film that covers meals comes pre-perforated and with little tear-away strips to reduce the amount of work I have to do. It's really hard to become a total lard-ass with all this cellophane work. Anyway, as I throw the tray into the nuker, let's go over the rules:

I just thought of something. The phrase 'new taste' is kind of ambiguous. Will it taste like Salisbury steak, but better? Will it taste like chocolate, or fish? I guess there's only one way to find out.

It tastes of madness.

Notice the marks from where the jockey was hitting it.

The Salisbury steak drops onto my plate with a rich, meaty smell and something more. Dare I hope? There's a hint of wine to this too, which is almost unheard of, but an unexpected treat. The steak falls apart on my steak with a looser consistency than I would have otherwise expected. It's not as loose as the horrifying diarrhea-like stuffing from the President's Choice Blue Menu Roast Turkey with Vegetables, but it's definitely not as solid as your average hamburger patty.

The taste is somewhat bland, but not totally unpleasant. It's like going to a concert and finding out that the headline act has dropped out at the last minute and your tickets are non-refundable. Only, in this case the headline act is flavor.

Smell: 9/10
Taste: 6/10
Mouthfeel: 8/10
Total Score: (7.6/10)

A heaping spoon full of gravy. Just what the doctor ordered.

From the looks of the meal, the gravy appears to be mushroom gravy, which Dr. Salisbury most likely would have condemned. For normal people however, it's probably quite safe. The wine smell I was getting from the Salisbury steak seems to have been coming mainly from the gravy, and a quick look of the ingredients confirms that it contains sherry. WOO! PARTY!

The gravy itself has an alright, but somewhat bland smell, with the exception of the wine. The taste is very similar, being quite bland, yet somehow also quite salty. The gravy contains some nice chunks of mushroom, which is very welcome, but overall it's extremely greasy, way more so than necessary. Eating this gravy on its own is enough to make me want to take a shower.

Smell: 7/10
Taste: 5/10
Mouthfeel: 6/10
Total Score: (6.0/10)

Wow, that almost looks natural.

Food should behave a certain way consistently. It's a sign that a dish has been prepared properly. When I was able to put my spoon into the mashed potatoes and transport them from the cooking tray to a plate in one solid fucking chunk, I got worried. Mashed potatoes are not a solid chunk. They shouldn't move like that, and definitely shouldn't leave a spotless compartment in their wake.

Thankfully, my fears were unjustified, and it turns out that the good food-scientists at Swanson must just be experimenting with new crumb-free food delivery methods. The potatoes give off a rich, potatoey smell; always a good sign. The taste is pretty good, and somewhat buttery. Thankfully, the potatoes aren't pasty at all, and don't provide the choking sensation that usually comes from these meals.

Smell: 8/10
Taste: 7/10
Mouthfeel: 8/10
Total Score: (7.6/10)

Corn.

The corn smells remarkably like corn, but I have my doubts. The taste confirms my suspicions. It's both overly sweet and unbearably salty, which is good if you're eating kettle corn, not so much when they're still unpopped. There's no sign of desiccation to this corn, but there's still the unmistakable sensation that this corn had been previously canned.

There's not really much to say about this that I haven't said a couple dozen times before. It's corn. If you don't know what corn tastes like, put the Cheetos down and go to the grocery store, buy some and consume it.

Smell: 8/10
Taste: 3/10
Mouthfeel: 7/10
Total Score: (6.0/10)

Chunky fruit goodness.

I'm not entirely sure what the hell compote is. Wikipedia says that it's made of fruit and spice in syrup. That seems friendly enough, and so does this.

The compote has a tart smell, with a hint of cinnamon. The taste is surprisingly complex. I can make out apple and cranberry, but also orange and cinnamon. The compote itself has a gel-like consistency complete with chunks of fruit and small cranberry seeds, almost as if it was made with actual fruit. This is the best part of the meal by far.

Smell: 9/10
Taste: 10/10
Mouthfeel: 9/10
Total Score: (9.3/10)

Smell: 8.2/10
Taste: 6.2/10
Mouthfeel: 7.6/10
Total Score: (7.3/10)

So, there you have it. Despite being sub par as far as taste, the Swanson Salisbury steak dinner holds together mainly on the merits of smell and mouthfeel, not to mention the excellent compote that came with it. When compared with the No-Name Salisbury Steak Dinner, the claims of a new great taste don't quite hold up, but the fact that it doesn't smell like a turd puts it ahead of the pack. In fact, most of the improvements come not from the steak-like product itself, but the sides, which are greatly improved.

The bottom line is this: If you're going to advertise a new great taste, why not just call it an improved taste instead? That way we don't go into these things expecting taco-flavored Salisbury steak.

So, I guess that's it for this round of horrors and it's a good thing too. I was starting to feel suffocated by the sameness of the meals. It's time to branch out and try something wacky.

• Horrors of the Ice Box Archive
• Horrors of the Ice Box: No-Name Salisbury Steak Dinner
• Horrors of the Ice Box: Swanson Hungry-Man Mexican Style Fiesta
• Horrors of the Ice Box: Swanson Stuffing Baked Turkey