I've been on my own for a while, and my traditional pickup line ("Hey, want to come back to my place and see how a bunch of us rated Crush soda?") isn't really the perfect panty peeler I pretend it to be. So, I've started to do the whole online dating thing. Shut up, you've done it too.
With roughly one billion males to every female on these sites, it's a wonder if I'll get a response after sending anything out, and even a larger miracle if anybody sends me a message of their own free will. So, a message comes in, and I get all excited. That is, until I read it.
* In order to protect the innocent, I've changed the user names, so let's just call this girl "Stumbliewumblie". I've also removed the name of the site this came from. Other than that, this conversation is 100% in its entirety, unchanged and unedited.
From: Stumbliewumblie
Sent Date:11/15/2011 2:01:13 PM
Subject: hey
whats up
Oh yeah, that's a great opener to a conversation.
I decided to go the funny-sarcastic route:
From: Jordan
Sent Date:11/15/2011 6:33:34 PM
Subject: RE:hey
The sky, the ceiling, the roof, some astral bodies and in 6 hours or so, the detrius cast-off from Sputnik. :p
From: Stumbliewumblie
Sent Date:11/15/2011 6:37:55 PM
Subject: RE:RE:hey
ok
Hoo boy. So, either she doesn't find me funny, and judging from what some of you have sent me, that's very possible, or that whooshing sound you just heard was the joke flying way way over her head. I decided to play it safe, and just be polite for a change.
From: Jordan
Sent Date:11/15/2011 8:55:29 PM
Subject: RE:RE:RE:hey
I can't help but use a sarcastic response to that question.
From: Stumbliewumblie
Sent Date:11/15/2011 8:56:35 PM
Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:hey
why
From: Jordan
Sent Date:11/15/2011 8:57:28 PM
Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:hey
Because it's an odd question.
From: Stumbliewumblie
Sent Date:11/15/2011 8:58:16 PM
Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:hey
I know sorry
From: Jordan
Sent Date:11/15/2011 9:00:25 PM
Subject: RE:hey
You don't have to apologize you know.
From: Stumbliewumblie
Sent Date:11/15/2011 9:01:18 PM
Subject: RE:RE:hey
I know so what do u do for fun
So, it was a pretty rocky start. That's okay. Now we're on to the real meat and potatoes any introductory conversation. You can learn a lot about a person by what they enjoy doing. It defines them as a person, and helps you to know a lot more about them. For instance, if somebody displayed a keen interest in taxidermy, you would be right to assume that they're an insane lunatic that would kill you, then mount your body in a realistic position at the kitchen table, where you would remain until you were found by a plucky young female FBI agent fresh out of the academy and her gruff, yet caring, senior partner.
From: Jordan
Sent Date:11/15/2011 9:13:08 PM
Subject: RE:RE:RE:hey
I'm big into reading, and I do a bit of writing. I also play a couple of instruments. What about you?
From: Stumbliewumblie
Sent Date:11/15/2011 9:14:54 PM
Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:hey
I like texting a lot and I love shopping
Okay. These aren't the greatest hobbies. But texting, that's almost like writing, right? I mean, you don't actually write anything meaningful, and you're not concerned about punctuation, grammar, style or being interesting, but it's a kind of writing. Like Cormac McCarthy doesn't use a lot of punctuation either and that man is a genius. And shopping, that's a pretty normal hobby for lots of young women.
Alright, so they're incredibly shallow hobbies. I started to think something was up, and decided to check her profile.
my hobbies is that i like going shopping and going to the movies and spending time with my friends and family too. my goals are that one day i want to help kids that a learning problems mostly young kids. i am a outgoing person a kind person and repectfull too. what makes me unigue is that i want to help people who has problems. my tase in music is mostly everything but not heavy metal
Dear God in Heaven. I hope those people who has problems can find somebody to help them. I'm trying to be really repectfull err...respectful, but I have a really hard time dealing with stupid, which at first glance, Stumbliewumblie seems to have in bulk.
Maybe I'm wrong though. Maybe she's just a lousy typist and she's really not as outright dumb and shallow as it would appear. I decided to change gears and move the conversation into a new direction.
From: Jordan
Sent Date:11/15/2011 9:18:21 PM
Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:hey
So what do you do for a living?
From: Stumbliewumblie
Sent Date:11/15/2011 9:20:10 PM
Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:hey
nothing u
From: Jordan
Sent Date:11/15/2011 9:21:28 PM
Subject: RE:hey
I work for a software company. So, if you don't mind me asking, how can you shop if you don't have a job?
From: Stumbliewumblie
Sent Date:11/15/2011 9:24:14 PM
Subject: RE:RE:hey
so
From: Jordan
Sent Date:11/15/2011 9:24:50 PM
Subject: RE:RE:RE:hey
I just mean, like where do you get the money?
From: Stumbliewumblie
Sent Date:11/15/2011 9:25:56 PM
Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:hey
from the government
From: Jordan
Sent Date:11/15/2011 9:26:25 PM
Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:hey
I see.
Not only does she have two of the most shallow hobbies I could imagine (and I review soft drinks in my spare time), but she's also on the welfare. I decided that this just wasn't going to happen, and I'd have to put an end to the chat.
From: Stumbliewumblie
Sent Date:11/15/2011 9:27:21 PM
Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:hey
yes so anything else u want to know
From: Jordan
Sent Date:11/15/2011 9:28:37 PM
Subject: RE:hey
I think I know just about everything I'd care to.
From: Stumbliewumblie
Sent Date:11/15/2011 9:29:46 PM
Subject: RE:RE:hey
ok what now
From: Jordan
Sent Date:11/15/2011 9:31:36 PM
Subject: RE:RE:RE:hey
What do you mean?
From: Stumbliewumblie
Sent Date:11/15/2011 9:32:38 PM
Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:hey
would u like to meet
I thought my snarky message had gotten through to her. I literally don't care to know any more about her. I've learned enough. I don't think I'm interested. Thank you very much. Now get off my virtual lawn and don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out.
But, I had thought wrong, and now she wants to meet me. Without getting up on a soapbox, somebody who gets social assistance, but chooses to indulge two hobbies that are pretty darn expensive is somebody I don't want to be around. I was trying my damnedest to keep calm and polite, but I was starting to have trouble.
So, I threw a few smatterings of the conversation up on Facebook and asked my friends for an assist. After they finished laughing at me, they started to actually give me some advice. I was urged to keep from writing my original response:
I don't want to meet you. You embody all the worst possibly qualities of humanity and I would gladly pay for you to be sterilized so you don't infect the next generation.
Half of them thought that I was being too harsh. The other half thought that she wouldn't know what 'sterilized' means, since it's such a big word. I caved and went the nice route again.
From: Stumbliewumblie
Sent Date:11/15/2011 9:36:39 PM
Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:hey
so
From: Jordan
Sent Date:11/15/2011 9:39:54 PM
Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:hey
I'm sorry, but I don't think we share the same qualities, and I really don't think anything would come of it.
There. Now you have evidence that I can be direct, polite and try really hard not to break anybody's feelings.
From: Stumbliewumblie
Sent Date:11/15/2011 9:40:36 PM
Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:hey
why
Oh goddamnit!
From: Jordan
Sent Date:11/15/2011 9:43:51 PM
Subject: RE:hey
I'm just looking to meet somebody who has a bit more direction in their lives and somebody who I can connect to on a deeper level.
From: Stumbliewumblie
Sent Date:11/15/2011 9:44:22 PM
Subject: RE:RE:hey
I can do that
From: Stumbliewumblie
Sent Date:11/15/2011 9:49:45 PM
Subject: RE:RE:hey
so
My friends were a bit more helpful this time around. Some wanted me to block her, others wanted me just to ignore her and stop messaging her. One of them suggested that I get involved with a married man in order to avoid having to go out with her.
The general consensus was clear. I was being too nice. It was time for me to take this conversation out behind the woodshed and beat it with a shovel until it stopped moving.
From: Jordan
Sent Date:11/15/2011 9:54:36 PM
Subject: RE:RE:RE:hey
I just mean that you don't seem to be doing anything with your life, and more over, your two hobbies are incredibly shallow. Don't you want to do more?
From: Stumbliewumblie
Sent Date:11/15/2011 9:55:04 PM
Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:hey
I do
From: Jordan
Sent Date:11/15/2011 9:55:39 PM
Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:hey
Well what then?
From: Stumbliewumblie
Sent Date:11/15/2011 9:56:07 PM
Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:hey
u want to work with kids with a disability
From: Jordan
Sent Date:11/15/2011 9:57:20 PM
Subject: RE:hey
Do you have any background in social care or childhood education?
From: Stumbliewumblie
Sent Date:11/15/2011 9:59:18 PM
Subject: RE:RE:hey
no but I live with kids like that
I'm starting to think she was a kid like that.
From: Jordan
Sent Date:11/15/2011 10:00:16 PM
Subject: RE:RE:RE:hey
Have you been to college at all?
From: Stumbliewumblie
Sent Date:11/15/2011 10:00:58 PM
Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:hey
yes
From: Jordan
Sent Date:11/15/2011 10:01:27 PM
Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:hey
What was your program if you don't mind me asking?
From: Stumbliewumblie
Sent Date:11/15/2011 10:02:54 PM
Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:hey
vocatinal program
She went on to say "Please excuse the fact that I cannot form proper sentences and misspelled vocational."
I have a hard time with stupid, but I have an even worse time with willful ignorance. The kind of person who has a dream, but has not taken even the smallest step towards achieving it and sucks off the government teat while they do so.
The gloves are coming off. It's time to be as absolutely forceful and direct as possible. No more sparing of feelings.
From: Jordan
Sent Date:11/15/2011 10:05:27 PM
Subject: RE:hey
Look, I've tried being nice, but I've just about lost my patience. I'm really not interested at all. You embody everything that I dislike about humanity: shallowness, apathy and ignorance and you don't even have the courtesy to use proper spelling, punctuation or grammar.
If this is what [name of online dating site redacted] has to offer me, I'd honestly rather be alone.
There. That's about as direct as possible. There is absolutely no way she'd ever respond to that.
From: Stumbliewumblie
Sent Date:11/15/2011 10:06:43 PM
Subject: RE:RE:hey
ok fuck off then I will find a better man thats understands me
From: Jordan
Sent Date:11/15/2011 10:10:28 PM
Subject: RE:RE:RE:hey
Try the welfare office.
Zing! Ok, that's about as rude and as direct as I could possibly be. She certainly wouldn't ever respond to that.
From: Stumbliewumblie
Sent Date:11/15/2011 10:26:43 PM
Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:hey
no u
From: Jordan
Sent Date:11/15/2011 10:28:15 PM
Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:hey
Nice comeback.
From: Stumbliewumblie
Sent Date:11/15/2011 10:29:21 PM
Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:hey
thanks
And queue the sarcasm
From: Jordan
Sent Date:11/15/2011 10:30:59 PM
Subject: RE:hey
Totally makes me want to go out with you.
From: Stumbliewumblie
Sent Date:11/15/2011 10:31:19 PM
Subject: RE:RE:hey
really
From: Jordan
Sent Date:11/15/2011 10:32:33 PM
Subject: RE:RE:RE:hey
No.
From: Stumbliewumblie
Sent Date:11/15/2011 10:34:12 PM
Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:hey
than fuck you
So, that's when I finally decided to pull the plug and blocked her. By this time, the Facebook thread was exploding. People were giving me other suggestions and others were just laughing their asses off. Four hours of absolute pain from holding in my inner snarkiness.
And people wonder why I drink.
