It's official. The mad-man who's currently holding me prisoner has been feeding me fish-filled tacos. These things are pretty horrible tasting. It almost comes as a joy when a new frozen dinner has been placed here. Almost.
Today's abomination on delivery, care of my captor is the No Name Chicken Nugget Dinner. Looks to be pretty standard fare: chicken nuggets, corn, mashed potatoes and enough barbeque sauce to drown a coma patient or incredibly stupid child with. Now, I've done No Name frozen dinners before, and all in all, it was kind of iffy. I don't really know what to expect here.
As far as sauce-quantity goes, these guys get a gold star. I don't think I've seen this much sauce in a meal that didn't have Chef Boyardee's face on the side of it.
And now, because we're all gluttons for punishment, here are the rules:
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Rule #1:
I must follow cooking procedures exactly as they're shown on the container. I will not deviate from those instructions in any way, and I must prepare food in the fastest manner presented to me. -
Rule #2:
I must consume everything that comes with the meal. No hiding of disgusting parts will be tolerated. (In the unlikely event of bones or other inedibles, allowances will be made). -
Rule #3:
To make sure my palate is completely free of obstructions, I may only be allowed either water or alcohol. Alcohol does not include fancy-pants fruity girly drinks. -
Rule #4:
All food will be graded by smell, taste and mouthfeel, with less offensive qualities receiving higher marks. At the end, each part is receives an average score. The full meal is graded by the average score of each component. Appearance of the food is not graded because, let's face it, they all look pretty bad.
Let's talk about nutrition for a second. I know it's pretty easy to pick on the nutritional quality of these things, but I must. All and all, this doesn't look to be much worse than most of the stuff that comes by. The salt however is substantial. This has almost half of your salt intake for the day (that is if you're of average age, height and weight). An extra glass or two of water should help fix that though. I can get water right? No? Just checking.
One more little thing before we get down to the brass tacks. You'll notice the shape and position of the container. Pretty close to the pictures I use to score these things. This guy must really be a fan. Ok, anyway, on with the show.
How is it that a No Name brand dinner can get something crispy out of the microwave with zero effort and Stouffer's, which is arguably a much bigger company can't get it right, even with a device specifically designed to make things crispy? What in the hell is wrong here?
Smell: 5/10
Taste: 9/10
Mouthfeel: 8/10
Total Score: 
(7.3/10)
This stuff almost smells like canned corn. There's a slight whiff of a musty smell, like a wet dog in the apartment next to yours. As far as actually eating it...well, it kind-of, sort-of, tastes like canned corn, but it's dry and clung desperately to my teeth to avoid being eaten.
Smell: 4/10
Taste: 6/10
Mouthfeel: 4/10
Total Score: 
(4.6/10)
The taste is very hard to describe. It's salty, overly sweet, oily, heavily chemical and just all around bad. Ok, so maybe it wasn't so hard to describe that after all.
These are easily the worst potatoes I've come across in my life. If they somehow were able to make them take on a gluey consistency while still being crumbly, it might just have to win some kind of freaking award.
Smell: 3/10
Taste: 1/10
Mouthfeel: 2/10
Total Score: (2.0/10)
So, the sauce itself is placed in it's own little tub, and since it's gone through a microwave, it's also hot, like a little tiny barbeque sauce jacuzzi. It's sort of like a McDonaldland commercial. As long as my chicken nuggets don't start talking, I think it'll be ok.
The sauce itself smells acidic. If you put your face next to a hot steamy bowl of white vinegar, not only would you be an idiot, but you'd also have a good idea of what this stuff smells like. It's also a lot thinner than other barbeque sauces, almost watery.
Now, remember when I said that it smelled like hot vinegar? Well, it also tastes like hot vinegar too! It's an amazing value! There's not even really any taste to it. It's just salty vinegar. This wouldn't normally be that bad, but I had a couple of canker sores that began to sing in pain from just the slightest touch of the sauce.
Smell: 2/10
Taste: 2/10
Mouthfeel: 4/10
Total Score: (2.6/10)
Smell: 3.5/10
Taste: 4.5/10
Mouthfeel: 4.5/10
Total Score: (4.2/10)
Wow, so the thing started off strong...the chicken nuggets were good and the corn was passable, but the potatoes and the sauce were horrid. It's like somebody figured out a way to turn Aliens vs. Predator into food. It's pretty good when you start off, but then things take a sharp decline, and next thing you know, it's over, you feel disappointed and you've got less money than you started with.
Bottom line is this: I would get paper cuts all over my body and then take an ice cold vinegar shower than have to eat this again. But if somebody around me goes for it, I might steal a chicken nugget.
Well, that was certainly interesting. Maybe I can do another one of these soon? They sure beat the fish tacos. Wait...I can't believe I actually want to do another one of these articles.
