Jordan's Page of Useless Babble

Swanson Hungry-Man's Jumbo Popcorn Chicken and Pizza Sticks
We always go back to those that hurt us.
We always go back to those that hurt us.

One of the more popular Horrors of the Ice Box has been the Swanson Hungry-Man's Beer Battered Chicken and Cheese Fries. I don't know why really, I think it probably has something to do with the fact that this was the one that nearly broke me. I've still got an iron constitution and I haven't gotten sick doing these reviews yet, but damnit, those stupid cheese fries nearly did me in.

So it was pretty unavoidable that somebody would eventually come up to me and present me with another Hungry-Man dinner, and another one from the Sports Grill line to boot. This time it's Jumbo Popcorn Chicken and Pizza Sticks. Jumbo popcorn chicken...why the hell don't they say chicken nuggets, unless for some reason they're breading the things in popcorn. I wouldn't put it past them.

Also pizza sticks? These things look like those pre-filled frozen bagels that I've seen lately. That's not a pizza stick, that's a piece of fucking bread. Anyway, time to open the thing...


Jordan: Oh geeze, my head...where am I? What, is that a microphone? Fuck, is that a flash? Are you taking pictures of me???

Mysterious Stranger: ...

Jordan: You've fucking chained me to the chair? What the fuck! You sick freak! Let me the hell out of here!

Mysterious Stranger: I heard you like frozen dinners.

Jordan: You heard wrong asshole! Let me out of here!

Mysterious Stranger: Open the chest.


Mysterious Stranger: Review.

Jordan: And how am I going to write this down or publish it asshole???

Mysterious Stranger: ...

Ok, I'm not really sure what's going on here, but I'm chained, I'm not really sure where here is. The Dickless Wonder here is telling me to, here we go.

Swanson Hungry-Man's Jumbo Popcorn Chicken and Pizza Sticks
Stouffer's Large Portion Meatloaf

Aaaand Take 2.
Aaaand Take 2.
Ok, so here's the part where I make a confession. My family wasn't big on meatloaf. I've only had it about once in my life, and that was a little more than a year ago. Gotta tell you, I wasn't too keen on it. So, here's Stouffer's Large Portion Meatloaf, which is touted to come with mashed potatoes, vegetables and gravy. Well, compared to what I was going to review before some asshole put a baseball bat to my skull, this looks downright healthy.

Whoa! Guess I was wrong. Ok, so this thing isn't so good for me, but goddamn, look at all the vitamins. Ok, this thing has 70% of my Vitamin A in it. You know what Vitamin A is good for right? That's right, it's good for building up your night vision. That's especially helpful when you've broken free of your restraints and you're murdering your captor in the dead of night after cutting the power. It's also got a lot of iron. Iron, sort of like the 5-iron I spy on the opposite wall. Hint hint.

Ok, so according to the instructions, I gotta cook this stuff for 8 and 1/2 minutes. Whoa. That's the short time, and I do believe that's a new record for longest cooking-time. Considering that I can turn a bowl of pea soup into a mortar in about 2-1/2 minutes in my microwave, I can only imagine how molten-hot this will get. Hey, buddy? How am I supposed to cook the damn thing chained up like this?

So, my now silent captor is going to cook it, but I've been informed that I have to say the rules, well, goddamn it, I've been over them enough that I think I can recite them by heart. I hope your mike's working jackass!

  • Rule #1:
    I must follow cooking procedures exactly as they're shown on the container. I will not deviate from those instructions in any way, and I must prepare food in the fastest manner presented to me.
  • Rule #2:
    I must consume everything that comes with the meal. No hiding of disgusting parts will be tolerated. (In the unlikely event of bones or other inedibles, allowances will be made).
  • Rule #3:
    To make sure my palate is completely free of obstructions, I may only be allowed either water or alcohol. Alcohol does not include fancy-pants fruity girly drinks.
  • Rule #4:
    All food will be graded by smell, taste and mouthfeel, with less offensive qualities receiving higher marks. At the end, each part is receives an average score. The full meal is graded by the average score of each component. Appearance of the food is not graded because, let's face it, they all look pretty bad.

Not pictured: scorching heat.
Not pictured: scorching heat.
Well, with that out of the way, my captor's returned with something that's hot enough to burn down a house if it were left next to some oily rags or something. Hey, no plate? Come on! Plating these things and making them look professional is my schtick! I gotta eat this out of the tray like some kind of dirty barbarian?

Well, it all looks innocuous enough. The smell is a bit odd though. I'd like to say that I hope this isn't drugged, but I'm fairly certain that given the option between chasing the white rabbit and getting another length of maple to the head, I'd rather get knocked out chemically.

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