Jordan's Page of Useless Babble

Michelina's Zap'ems Three Cheese Pizza
Oh what fresh Hell is this?
Oh what fresh Hell is this?

This...this is Jordan. The masked man who's kidnapped me is recording what what I'm saying. It smells like fish left to rot in the hot sun, and I haven't eaten anything in days. My kidnapper has been taunting me with food and he's been making t-shirts with my pleas for help and food on them. I don't think they're as funny as he does. My watch is gone and I don't know how long it's been since I was taken.

I've gotten a nudge from a broomstick and it looks like that jackass has put something in the cooler again. It looks like it's another frozen dinner he wants to torture me with. This time it's Michelina's Zap'ems Three Cheese Pizza. After my scathing first Horrors of the Ice Box review for her Taco Bites I guess Mama Michelina is back to put the smack down on me. Her souless eyes stare into me and convey a sense of growing horror of Lovecraftian proportions.

Now this stuff has about the same amount of fat as the taco bites did, but they contain a whopping 47% of my daily intake of saturated fats. Since I'm starving, I don't think I have much choice here.

That's one greasy fucking pizza.
That's one greasy fucking pizza.

Thankfully my kidnapper doesn't see fit to let me use a microwave, so I don't have to put up with the cooking instructions. According to this thing, I'd have to take apart the box, turn the top of the box upside-down, and place the lid, bottom-side up on top. After that, I'd place the pizza on top of that contraption and throw it in the nuker for 2-1/2 minutes. Why 2-1/2 when the instructions say 2-1/2 to 4 minutes? Well, because it's in the rules!

  • Rule #1:
    I must follow cooking procedures exactly as they're shown on the container. I will not deviate from those instructions in any way, and I must prepare food in the fastest manner presented to me.
  • Rule #2:
    I must consume everything that comes with the meal. No hiding of disgusting parts will be tolerated. (In the unlikely event of bones or other inedibles, allowances will be made).
  • Rule #3:
    To make sure my palate is completely free of obstructions, I may only be allowed either water or alcohol. Alcohol does not include fancy-pants fruity girly drinks.
  • Rule #4:
    All food will be graded by smell, taste and mouthfeel, with less offensive qualities receiving higher marks. At the end, each part is receives an average score. The full meal is graded by the average score of each component. Appearance of the food is not graded because, let's face it, they all look pretty bad.
Oh, this will not end well.
Oh, this will not end well.

There's something here that's wrong though. The box is claiming some form of crispiness to the food. I trust those gadgets even less than I do the masked man who's been staring at me continuously for 20 minutes now. Stop it you jackass! You're giving me the heebie jeebies!

Hey, looking at this box, there's another problem. There's crumbs and cheese and stuff at the bottom of the box. When you turn it upside down to make the cooking contraption, you're going to spill that all out on your countertop or microwave. Speaking of improperly displaced cheese, my particular sample is absolutely barren on one side. Kinda crappy, but it's food and I haven't eaten in days.

Something's cheese.
Something's cheese.

Three Cheese Pizza

Ok, so first off, the smell. Well, it smells like a cheese pizza. Not a great pizza mind you, or even really a good pizza. It smells like cheap pizza, the kind you get from the little place around the corner that's only been up for a week and everybody inside always looks half-stoned and totally uninterested in being there. You pay your five bucks and you get a small cheese, but it tastes like bitterness and regret. That's kind of what this smells like.

Next time Pizza's gonna to order out...for you.
Next time Pizza's gonna order out...for you.

Now because a good third of this thing is lacking in cheese, I've got to score the taste on the cheese-covered bites. I would assume that my slice, although poorly presented isn't typical, and I can't be unfair, well, at least not yet anyway.

The flavor again, is like cheap pizza. It's not great by any means, but it's pizza-like. It's certainly lacking something, like meat. A cheese pizza always makes me think of that one guy who can never make up his damn mind. They hem and haw over a million choices and end up choosing nothing because they don't want to regret what they've picked.

As for mouthfeel...well, it's kinda, almost, crispy. It's certainly better than I've seen with other similar cooking contraptions. However, it's flaky at the same time and the whole mass becomes gummy in your mouth. If you're Canadian, or you enjoy imported pre-packaged baked goods, think Passion Flakie and you're pretty much there.

Smell: 7/10
Taste: 7/10
Mouthfeel: 4/10
Total Score: (6.0/10)

Now, a final note. This doesn't have an edged crust, so it's not really suggested that you pick this up with your hands. If you do, you're going to risk greasy burnt fingertips. This is a pizza for cutting up with a knife and fork. The problem is, the crust is tough. You will need a fucking machete or some kind of lightsabre to cut yourself off some pizza.

Bottom line is this: If you're drunk and you don't have any money, this will make a decent alternative to the cheapest pizza place in your area. Otherwise, just get some real pizza.

Ok, so this wasn't that big, but at least it's food. Can I have some bread please? Water? Can you at least tell me what's next?

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