I still am not a huge connoisseur of meatloaf. As I've been told, it's kind of like a big-ass Salisbury steak that's made with ketchup and bacon, sort of as a way to stretch the meat budget a little further in times of need. I don't know about anything like that, because I CAN'T CHECK ANY RESOURCES TO CONFIRM NOW CAN I? Ahem, well, this has a pretty inoffensive smell. It smells, well, I'm not quite sure, but it doesn't smell processed. It's got an absolutely perfect mouthfeel too. After the tougher, burnt and crumbly experience of the Salisbury Steak, I gotta say, this is how it should be done. Every bite is soft, but not gummy, minced but not crumbly, and it's juicy without swimming in juice. Take notes people! I may not have had much meatloaf previous to this, but I think I know what's good and what's not and this tastes pretty good. It's a little bland but overall very tasty. Best part, is that there are two slices! All I need now is some bread and I can make a sandwich. Can I get some bread? No? Ok.

Smell: 8/10
Taste: 8/10
Mouthfeel: 10/10
Total Score: (8.6/10)

When it comes to frozen food, mashed potatoes and I have a love-hate relationship. I love potatoes, but I hate the stuff that comes in frozen dinners. There's a slight chemical smell to this stuff...not a great start. The taste is, well, how can I describe it. It's not bland. It's kind of a zen form of bland. It's so bland that I can experience a void of taste around the gravy. I declare it to be giga-bland. The mouthfeel...is pretty good. It's not quite perfect, but it's getting close. Best of all, it can't double as glue!

Smell: 6/10
Taste: 6/10
Mouthfeel: 9/10
Total Score: (7.0/10)

It's not a huge number of vegetables. It's not a large number. It's not several, not many and not a few. It's two. Green beans and carrots. It smells pretty good, although I can smell that omnipresent chemical odor. It tastes like the canned stuff, but only slightly so. This is a far cry from the scary mixed veggies I'm used to seeing. Once again, the mouthfeel is amazing. If it weren't for the taste, I'd swear I'm eating freshly steamed vegetables.

Smell: 8/10
Taste: 8/10
Mouthfeel: 9/10
Total Score: (8.3/10)

Usually, I don't review gravy. The reason is that it's normally packed along with the meat product and there's only a splash. Where most dinners splash, this is a fucking deluge. There's so much gravy here that I'm setting a precedent. I'm going to review the gravy too.

There's a very strong tomato smell to this stuff. I can't quite...waitaminute. This isn't gravy at all. It's minestrone soup. There's fucking vegetables in this. Goddamnit. When are you people going to learn...soup is not gravy. Let me repeat that.

SOUP IS NOT GRAVY!

The 'gravy' is greasy. In fact I can see little pools of grease in it. It's not a good look and it makes me feel dirty in my mouth. Can I get something to wash this down with? Water, maybe some gin if you have it? Well fuck you too! Ok, so it looks like I'm going to have to suffer.

Smell: 4/10
Taste: 1/10
Mouthfeel: 3/10
Total Score: (2.8/10)

Smell: 6.5/10
Taste: 5.7/10
Mouthfeel: 7.6/10
Total Score: (6.6/10)

With the exception of the gravy, I'd say that we have found the holy grail of frozen dinners. But, instead we got a pretty good meal that was drowned in thick soup.

Bottom line is this: Soup is not fucking gravy. You know what's gravy? GRAVY! If any Stouffer's executives out there are reading this, I want you to hit your head against your desk while repeating the mantra: "Soup is not fucking gravy".

Jordan: There, I've done your review. Let me go.

Mysterious Stranger: ...

Jordan: I'm not being let go am I?

Mysterious Stranger: ...

Jordan: Will you at least tell me what I have to do next?

Mysterious Stranger: You'll see.

• Horrors of the Ice Box Archive
• Horrors of the Ice Box: Stouffer's Bistro Barbecue Chicken & Bacon Panini
• Horrors of the Ice Box: No-Name Salisbury Steak Dinner
• Horrors of the Ice Box: Michelina's Zap'ems Three Cheese Pizza