The stuff kind-of-sort-of feels like grape jelly, but that's where the similarity ends. Half of it is solid and quivering, while the other half is watery. It's pretty gross to use, and I really wish that the MRE had come with peanut butter instead. I've never been a fan of grape jelly, but this stuff is pretty bad. Oh sure, it starts off tasting like it should, but you're quickly hit with a strong aftertaste, like molasses that sticks to your tongue. The smell is pretty bad as well, sickeningly sweet with a strong molasses odor that almost makes me gag. Still, it's liquid enough to help me finish the wheat snack bread without any further issues.
Smell: 3/10
Taste: 3/10
Mouthfeel: 7/10
Total Score: 
(4.3/10)
Frank: Hey Bob, it's a wonderful day in the post-apocalyptic world today isn't it?
Bob: I concur with you wholeheartedly Frank. Say what's for dinner? Frank: Today we have Penne with Vegetable Sausage Crumbles in Spicy Tomato Sauce and Beverage Powder Carbohydrate Electrolyte Lemon Lime Flavored. Bob: Oh, I'm sick of Beverage Powder Carbohydrate Electrolyte Lemon Lime Flavored. Do we have any Beverage Powder Carbohydrate Electrolyte Orange Flavored? Frank: No, we're out of Beverage Powder Carbohydrate Electrolyte Orange Flavored. We do have some Beverage Powder Carbohydrate Electrolyte Lemon Flavored if you want it. Bob: Thanks Frank. That sounds much better. Frank: I miss electricity and running water. Bob: So do I. Frank: Do you think we'll ever become cannibals in this harsh apocalyptic wasteland? Bob: I don't know. Frank: Want to try repopulating the human race again Bob? Bob: We've been over this Frank. We're both men. We can't have babies when we have sex. Frank: Not with that attitude we won't!As you can tell from that quick example, it's pretty difficult to use these names in ordinary conversation. But marketing isn't exactly what's important here. What's important is the food.
The penne smells and tastes not unlike something you'd find in a can by Chef Boyardee, but there's more than that. This is what the Chef would be making if he owned a 3-star restaurant. It's kind of upscale, but very familiar at the same time, and I barely noticed that the vegetable sausage wasn't meat. All and all, I wish I could be more snarky with this one, but I can't. It's probably the best thing I've reviewed here.
Smell: 8/10
Taste: 8/10
Mouthfeel: 9/10
Total Score: (8.3/10)
Now I'm not an expert on Mexican rice, but rice in general should not be crunchy, nor beans for that matter. The entire thing is an exercise in chewing, and I find myself cleaning rice-chunks from my teeth quite often. The taste is extremely unpleasant, like it's overly spiced, but every spice clashes. It's the culinary equivalent of what a 3 year old would wear if they picked out their own clothes. There is a bit of a spicy aftertaste, but it's not enough to detract from the other issues this suffers from.
Smell: 3/10
Taste: 3/10
Mouthfeel: 2/10
Total Score: 
(2.6/10)
Now, in the past, ration suppliers have had trouble with desserts. Sure you can can fruit and preserve it, but that can get tiring. When you're in a stressful situation that calls for comfort food. Originally, chocolate bars were attempted, but they tended to melt in pockets, especially in warm climates. Attempts were made to create a hardier version of chocolate, but it was nearly inedible. Now the focus seems to be turning to baked goods, which seem to be better suited for warm temperatures and humid climates.
The Caramel Apple Ranger Bar looks like an oatmeal bar that you'd buy in the stores. One of those ones that promises to be breakfast on the go, but really turns out to be a rough kind of cake and probably not that good for you. The Ranger Bar looks to be just that, but made to last a lot longer.
As such, the bar is dry, not as dry as the wheat snack bread, but pretty damn dry. It even smells dry, if you can believe it. There is however the strong scent of cinnamon with a hint of apple as well. The bar itself contains little chunks of dried apples and some whole oats mixed in the with the ground ones that make up the base of the bar. That gives each bite some contrast to the one before. Surprise surprise, it tastes like one of those oatmeal bars that you'd buy in the stores.
One thing I did notice is that this did not have any caramel taste to it. It tasted like apple cinnamon, and while I like apple cinnamon, I hate false advertising, so the taste is going to lose some marks accordingly. For the record, it does taste good, but that's no excuse for calling something what it isn't.
Smell: 8/10
Taste: 6/10
Mouthfeel: 7/10
Total Score: (7.0/10)
Smell: 5.3/10
Taste: 4.6/10
Mouthfeel: 6.5/10
Total Score: (5.5/10)
Looking at the scores here for the meal, this seems pretty low, especially since a couple components were actually pretty damn good, but that's the issue: these meals are randomly packaged, so you could have any entree, any side dish, any jelly, any drink and any dessert. There's no real way to make a universal MRE review, unless it's by continually reviewing MREs.
Bottom line is this: Sometimes the parts are worth more than the sum of their whole. In this case, it's very true. Still, if you can find the Penne with Vegetable Crumbles in Spicy Tomato Sauce, you could do a whole lot worse.
