Jordan's Page of Useless Babble

President's Choice General Tao Chicken
Freedom!  Sweet sweet freedom!
Freedom! Sweet sweet freedom!

So, this week, the Magic Cooler of Mystery™ looks to have a new "treat". It looks to be President's Choice General Tao Chicken. I gotta say I'm impressed. This is pretty exotic compared to the normal fare of Salisbury steak and mashed potatoes. And what is this? A key? Holy shit, it's a key!

Well, it's time for me to find my way out of here!

Luckily there's a door here, and it doesn't seem to be locked. It's taking me a bit to walk over. I've been chained to chair for the last four months, and my legs are a bit cramped.

Finally I'm free!


Wait...I've spent the last four months imprisoned in my fucking garage? What the fuck! Well, at least I'm free. First thing's first, I've got some frozen food to choke down, then first thing tomorrow, I'm getting my locks changed.

Ok, so now that I have access to the wonders of the internet, I can figure out what exactly the hell General Tao Chicken is. Although it's Chinese food, it's probably not from China. Most people believe that it was created in the US, probably in New York City. The chicken is breaded and deep fried before being mixed in a spicy sauce. I don't know how that will pan out in the microwave, but all I can do is try.

And how do I try? Check out the rules:

  • Rule #1:
    I must follow cooking procedures exactly as they're shown on the container. I will not deviate from those instructions in any way, and I must prepare food in the fastest manner presented to me.
  • Rule #2:
    I must consume everything that comes with the meal. No hiding of disgusting parts will be tolerated. (In the unlikely event of bones or other inedibles, allowances will be made).
  • Rule #3:
    To make sure my palate is completely free of obstructions, I may only be allowed either water or alcohol. Alcohol does not include fancy-pants fruity girly drinks.
  • Rule #4:
    All food will be graded by smell, taste and mouthfeel, with less offensive qualities receiving higher marks. At the end, each part is receives an average score. The full meal is graded by the average score of each component. Appearance of the food is not graded because, let's face it, they all look pretty bad.
Holy crap, that's a lot of salt.
Holy crap, that's a lot of salt.
Wow, that actually looks professional.
Wow, that actually looks professional.

So, aside from the fact that this meal consists of two fried foods that are probably not going to remain very fried-like after cooking, I'm feeling a little optimistic. Also, now that I have my kitchen back, I can finally present this frozen dinner in a civilized manner.

Well, I guess it's about time to dig in!

General Tao Chicken


The chopsticks make it taste better.
The chopsticks make it taste better.
This stuff smells pretty good, especially for something that's been frozen for quite a bit. It's spicy, and there's a hint of ginger. The taste is just as good. Subtle to start, with a spicy kick that builds up. Unfortunately, this stuff isn't nearly as spicy as the stuff you would find in a restaurant.

However good it may taste, the breading isn't great. The sauce has soaked in thoroughly. Any semblance of crispiness that the frying gave the chicken has been destroyed by the microwave and the sauce.

Smell: 9/10
Taste: 9/10
Mouthfeel: 5/10
Total Score: (7.6/10)

Fried Rice

Picking this up with the chopsticks is really hurting my fingers.
Picking this up with the chopsticks is really hurting my fingers.
Fried? Doesn't seem like it to me. This doesn't look, smell or taste at all like fried rice. It's more like steamed rice that's been doused in some soy sauce. It's kind of like a health-nut's version of fried rice.

The smell of this stuff is pretty neutral, with a slight undertone of some kind. It's almost like smelling a wet dog that's in an apartment three doors over. The taste too is neutral. There are some small chunks of onion, green peas and scrambled egg that break up the taste quite nicely, and give it some personality.

Smell: 5/10
Taste: 7/10
Mouthfeel: 5/10
Total Score: (5.7/10)

The Totals:

Smell: 7.0/10
Taste: 8.0/10
Mouthfeel: 5.0/10
Total Score: (6.7/10)

All in all, this is pretty good, and I think that I'll probably be getting it again. Maybe there's even a better way to reconstitute the fried rice to keep it...well, fried. Wait...did I just say that I would probably get this again? Holy crap, I think I did. That's got to be a first.

Bottom line is this: There's a lot of frozen dinners that are mediocre, and a lot more that are just plain horrible. Once, in a great while, there comes something that's pretty good. That's what you've got here.

What the hell is this?
What the hell is this?

I'm definitely getting those locks changed now. And where did that box of Hungry-Man's Jumbo Popcorn Chicken and Pizza Sticks go?

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