Jordan's Page of Useless Babble

Aunt Jemima Scrambled Eggs and Bacon
Aunt Jemima; we meet again.
Aunt Jemima; we meet again.

So, frozen TV dinners are pretty standard, but you don't hear that much about frozen TV breakfasts. Well, there's probably a reason for that. For one, there's a lot of good stuff you can make for breakfast without needing to resort something prepackaged and frozen. You can have toaster pastries, donuts, coffee, toast; hell, you can even get cold cereal in little to-go packs.

Back in April, Evan, a friend who I subjected to the Great Crush Tasting decided to change all that and introduced the Aunt Jemima Griddlecake Sandwich, a nasty little meal that started off pretty good, but then quickly took on the subtle flavors of a dead skunk's asshole. While I'm still plotting my vengeance upon him, I've decided to try breakfast again, but this time, I'm going old-school.

Some people may be familiar with the legendary Hungry-Man 1 lb. Breakfast meal, probably the nastiest tasting frozen meal known to man, that I can't get my hands on. That was pretty basic. It was eggs, bacon, sausage, hashbrowns and pancakes. All it was missing was toast and baked beans.

Well, I still can't get my hands on that delightful gem, but I did manage to get my greasy mitts on the Aunt Jemima Scrambled Eggs and Bacon meal.


Well, that's about all the motivation I need. I'm willing to give Aunt Jemima a second chance, if not for her, then for the bacon. Yes, it's really all about the bacon.

It's like eggs threw up in here.
It's like eggs threw up in here.

So, I open up the packaging and pull out the package and I'm greeted by one of the most unappetizing sights of my life.

Well, I can see the bacon, and I definitely can see the eggs, but what I can't see are the hash brown potatoes that I've been promised on the box. I was promised hash browns, and I'd better get my damned hash browns or there will be hell to pay.

Right, so I can see about two-thirds of the meal, so it's not great, but it certainly be worse. I'm still waiting to find Stouffer's Gruel and Hardtack on the shelves of my grocery store's freezers. One day... Anyway, this stuff requires the plastic pierced and the meal cooked for a total of two minutes. There's an optional additional cooking time for crispy bacon, but that wouldn't be playing by the rules. And what are the rules you ask? Well...

  • Rule #1:
    I must follow cooking procedures exactly as they're shown on the container. I will not deviate from those instructions in any way, and I must prepare food in the fastest manner presented to me.
  • Rule #2:
    I must consume everything that comes with the meal. No hiding of disgusting parts will be tolerated. (In the unlikely event of bones or other inedibles, allowances will be made).
  • Rule #3:
    To make sure my palate is completely free of obstructions, I may only be allowed either water or alcohol. Alcohol does not include fancy-pants fruity girly drinks.
  • Rule #4:
    All food will be graded by smell, taste and mouthfeel, with less offensive qualities receiving higher marks. At the end, each part is receives an average score. The full meal is graded by the average score of each component. Appearance of the food is not graded because, let's face it, they all look pretty bad.

Breakfast is served.
Breakfast is served.
So, there it is. Now, a broad interpretation of the rules says that I can only consume and grade the meal. Since ketchup, salt and pepper aren't included in the package, I'll have to eat the eggs plain. This is something I've never done. Eggs need salt. Don't ask me why, they just do. It's like one of the fundamental rules of nature and the cosmos. You have eggs, you put salt on them. Scrambled, fried, hard boiled, soft boiled, it just doesn't fucking matter. You salt the friggin things.

Something tells me that I'm going to really want that salt in a minute.


Aunt Jemima? What we seem to have here is a failure to communicate. When you said bacon, I thought that you'd bring me the salted, cured and smoked meat from a pig's belly. At the very least, I'd accept some pickled back-meat rolled in cornmeal. What you've brought me though is pork jerky.

Something ain't right.
Something ain't right.

Now I like jerky as much as the next guy, but there's a huge difference between bacon, that most heavenly of meats and jerky, which even people who enjoy it would consider to be an edible fucking doorstop.

And while we're on the subject of what's wrong with this fucking stuff, let's talk about the grill marks. Who the fuck cooks bacon to the point that it has grill marks? You shouldn't even get those by cooking in an oven. Now I'm just fucking depressed.

So, let's go into a closer inspection. The stupid motherfucking pork jerky smells like wonderfully smoked bacon. Don't let that smell fool you. It is a whore, and her empty promises serve only to disappoint you. The stuff feels and tastes like dehydrated and spiced meat that you can package and take with you to serve as a quick energy boost during the day. You know, like fucking jerky! Will somebody give Aunt Jemima a pound of the good stuff so she knows how it's supposed to be?

Smell: 8/10
Taste: 2/10
Mouthfeel: 2/10
Total Score: (4.0/10)

Hash Brown Potatoes

I tried to take a picture of the hash brown potatoes, but when I picked it up, the damn thing fell apart, and what was left was so disgusting and disturbing that I immediately put away my camera for fear of having the picture picked up by a fetish website.

Again, just like the bacon, we seem to be having a communication problem with Aunt Jemima. When the box said 'potatoes', I immediately thought that meant plural, as in more than one. To clarify, in Aunt Jemima's world, that just means one, albeit, one of a pretty good size.

So, this stuff gives off an utterly vile stench, like a combination of formaldehyde and wet dog. Beyond being soggy enough to fall apart at the merest touch, it's not even fully fucking cooked. I don't know how companies get away with this crap. You cannot serve people raw potatoes. Potatoes are a cooked food. Stop putting raw fucking potatoes in these meals!

Not surprisingly, this stuff tastes horrible. The potato part is bland, but there's a chemical undertaste that makes me shudder to even think of. There's absolutely no redeeming value to this thing.

Smell: 2/10
Taste: 3/10
Mouthfeel: 1/10
Total Score: (2.0/10)

Scrambled Eggs

Pop-quiz: what's the first thing that you learned to cook when you were growing up? Chances are most of you out there said the words 'scrambled eggs' out loud to your computer screen and made an utter fool of yourself. Silly goose, it's a computer screen and doesn't care what you have to say.

Eggs or insulation foam?  You decide.
Eggs or insulation foam? You decide.

My point is this: scrambled eggs are one of the few foods that are so easy to cook that you can easily put a child in charge of the preparation and still get something half-decent. Now, that's not to say that really well prepared scrambled eggs aren't a friggin work of art, because they are.

Aunt Jemima though? She seems to be getting a little senile in her old age, and instead of grabbing a couple of eggs, she decided to grab some latex and kept on cooking. This stuff smells like plastic and it feels like plastic on the tongue. And you know what they say when it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck?

Well, here's the strange thing. It isn't a duck, well not quite. The taste redeems the eggs somewhat, as they taste surprisingly eggy. Sure they may be crumbly, and plasticky and drier than a piece of fossilized toast, but they're eggs damnit, and I will carry that assertion to my grave.

Smell: 3/10
Taste: 8/10
Mouthfeel: 3/10
Total Score: (4.6/10)

The Totals:

Smell: 4.3/10
Taste: 4.3/10
Mouthfeel: 2/10
Total Score: (3.5/10)

Wow. I can't believe that I'm saying this, but I think I actually miss Aunt Jemima's Griddlecake Sandwiches and all their sweet, skunky, space-food glory. I don't think I'll be able to have breakfast for a month without thinking about these.

Bottom line is this: If you have a child, even a stupid one, let them cook breakfast. Leave these bacon and egg meals for those who are too dumb to know better.

Wow, there's been a lot of shit here lately. I think it's time that I try something a little more elegant.

Next time: I try out some pasta, and because I didn't get enough this time around, there will also be bacon.

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