Two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, all on a sesame seed bun. This is the formula that has put McDonald's on the map since 1968. The burger itself isn't bad. The whole thing comes together in a symphony that makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside. Well, that part's not entirely true.

Many like myself, are not big fans of McDonald's food. The stuff is cheaply produced, and although it passes health and safety regulations, it's still some of the more dubious fast food available in my town. That's not to say I don't eat there, but I'm usually drunk when the craving for a Big Mac hits me.

So, driving back to home from Peterborough, I was stunned to see an advertisement for the Mac Wrap. Don't know what that is? Don't be surprised. It's not available all over yet, and it's currently being tested in different markets, including my local Mickey-Dee's.

While it's great because I have something to share with the rest of the world, I'm a little disappointed, because I have no material from McDonald's to share here and I didn't have my camera with me when I passed by the billboard.

Upon getting back to town, I made my way to McDonalds and grabbed a couple Mac Wraps, because, goddamn, I have to try something that strange. Wraps made by fast food places don't usually contain beef. Beyond tacos, all you have is chicken, chicken, chicken, fried or grilled, topped with salad. A hamburger turned into a wrap has got to be different.

So, here it is...they're not very spectacular to look at. To quote Falling Down (one of the greatest movies ever): "Look at this sorry, miserable, squashed thing. Can anybody tell me what's wrong with this picture? Anybody? Anybody at all?" Well, it looks pretty gross from the outside, so let's take a look at the inside.

Here's where we see that things are not completely as advertised. This is supposed to be a Big Mac wrap, but it only contains 1/2 a patty instead of the two patties the normal burger has. There's lettuce, thankfully not as much as you'd see in the burger either. The onions are there. The sauce is there too, but it's all crammed at the opening of the wrap, so you get all of it in your first couple of bites. There's absolutely no cheese, also a letdown. Lastly, there's the pickles. There's one pickle slice on my wrap.

This is where McDonalds and I have come of an impasse. They have decided that it's acceptable to place a single slice of pickle in my wrap. I believe that this means that they're fucking morons. You don't mess with a man's pickles. If you have to do anything, you can add extra pickles, but you do not cheap out on the pickles!

So, now that I've ranted a bit, I think it's time to bite into one to see how it tastes. After a single bite, it's difficult to give my verdict in a single word. Why, you ask? Because I can't think of a word that adequately expresses my hatred of this snack wrap right now.

There is no burger, onion or pickle in the first bite. There is only special sauce and lettuce. The taste is bad. I'm not a huge fan of Thousand Island dressing, but I like it on my burgers. That's the emphasis. Burgers. It's not good on a tortilla. I forgot that this wasn't an Ice Box of Horrors article and I wasn't obligated to actually finish the thing, so I took another bite. Thankfully I got some meat and a hint of pickle. It was good, but there was no special sauce on the rest of the wrap.

The second wrap had the same problem. All the sauce was in the first bite, all the burger was past the second bite, the pickle was scarce as water in the desert.

So, all in all, it's not a bad snack wrap. It costs about $1.69 Canadian, compared to $2.99 for the actual burger. Good cost right? Well, when you factor in the cost per burger patty, the wrap costs $3.38 compared to about $1.50 for the burger. If you want to get the most for your money, you'll probably want to stick with the Big Mac.

So, I thought that this was about it for the review, but fate had another idea in mind for me. A few hours after eating the wraps, I started feeling sharp cramps in my stomach, and my head started to spin. I'm pretty sure those stupid things gave me food poisoning. What a fitting and appropriate end to this whole mess.

Bottom line is this: The proportions are wrong, the price is wrong and I'm going to be spending the praying to the porcelain goddess because I made the mistake of eating them.

Update:
I don't usually update articles once I've written them, but I've gotten some questions that I feel need to be answered.

Did you really get sick?
Yes. The picture I had taken of me in the fetal position was done as a gag, and I was originally going to cut it out of the article entirely. I really did get sick later that night: fever, stomach cramps, nausea; the whole nine yards. I had food poisoning. I ate at two places that day: Rickey's in Peterborough and the McDonald's restaurant in Lindsay. Given that I had leftovers from Rickey's that I ate the following evening and didn't get sick from, I think it's safe to say that it was likely the Mac Wrap that did it.

Why did you forget about the cheese?
Upon reading over the article again, I realized that I had forgot about the wrap missing cheese, which is in the normal burger itself. I've updated that section of the review to reflect that.

Your price comparison is wrong.
This one I'm going to defend. A normal Big Mac costs $2.99 Canadian. For that you get a triple-slice bun, special sauce, lettuce (a healthy amount), pickles, cheese, onions and two burger patties. The wrap costs $1.69 and has a single tortilla, special sauce, a small amount of lettuce, one slice of pickle and half a burger patty. To get approximately the same amount of food as the burger, you'd need to buy 4 wraps, which would come to $6.76, a cost of over twice the burger. I'm impressed at their ingenuity in marketing less food at a higher cost, but I'm not at all blown away by the wrap.

All you do is complain.
99% of comedy comes from discontentment. If you want to be a buzzkill, here's how you can fix the Mac Wrap:

1. Wash hands
2. Take one tortilla
3. Spread 1/2 the normal portion of special sauce on the middle of the tortilla as you would an entire big mac
4. Sprinkle on a half-handful of shredded lettuce
5. Place two pickle chips on top of the lettuce
6. Place one slice of processed cheese on top
7. Place two 1/2 burger patties on top, staggering them so there's always burger in every bite
8. Roll up wrap and serve to customer

• Horrors of the Icebox
• The Great Crush Tasting
• The Nutrisoda Experiment