After the baffling results of the Irn-Bru test, another Nutrisoda was randomly selected. This time, it was a pomegranate/blackberry flavor which was delightfully referred to as Radiant.

Dayton
Score:	0/10
Effect:	Immunity
Comments:	Terrible aftertaste: malt vinegar with peaches.

Duffman
Score:	3/10
Effect:	No effect
Comments:	Peaches and vinegar.

Dylan
Score:	2/10
Effect:	Immunity
Comments:	Malt vinegar and peach.

Evan
Score:	4/10
Effect:	Immunity
Comments:	The aftertaste continues to get worse. The initial taste isn't bad, but five seconds later, it tastes like something died in my throat.

John
Score:	2/10
Effect:	Focus
Comments:	This grapefruit drink makes me use a camera better.

Josh
Score:	0/10
Effect:	Immunity
Comments:	Tastes like an energy drink if energy drinks were made with gasoline and baking soda.

Sam
Score:	0/10
Effect:	Confidence
Comments:	Fermented apple juice.

Sara
Score:	0/10
Effect:	Immunity
Comments:	I survived. I am invincible.

Scott
Score:	2/10
Effect:	Immunity
Comments:	Smells like bad apples. Tastes like sugar and Drano.

Jordan
Score:	0/10
Comments:	I composed a short haiku to describe this drink: Sweetened pale syrup With bad aftertaste like mold Acid on the tongue

Results
Total Score:	1.3/10
Correct Responses:	0
Conclusion:	Most people thought that this drink tasted like vinegar. Strangely enough, they also believed that "whatever doesn't kill you, makes you stronger", since the majority of testers thought it boosted their immune systems. If that's true, the ten of us must be immortals now. There can be only one!     Oh, and for the record, no complexions were improved by consuming this drink.

The next entry was a blessing after Radiance and its cringe-inducing flavor. Jones Soda Fu-Fu Berry was the flavor, and was actually bought at the last minute at the front counter of Elan Games, in full-view of at least half of the testers. Despite this, not a single person guessed what the flavor actually was. Even stranger: this was one of the most popular flavors of soda sold there.

Dayton
Score:	5/10
Effect:	Radiance
Comments:	Not a long aftertaste. Not too bitter either.

Duffman
Score:	3/10
Effect:	No effect
Comments:	Everything tastes the same: lime and ass.

Dylan
Score:	7/10
Effect:	Calmness
Comments:	Love the smell; taste is semi-average.

Evan
Score:	8/10
Effect:	Happiness
Comments:	Fruity: watermelon style. It's actually good.

John
Score:	9/10
Effect:	No effect
Comments:	I suspect that this pink bubbly beverage is made with a powdered flamingo concentrate.

Josh
Score:	8/10
Effect:	Radiance
Comments:	Watermelon flavor with no aftertaste.

Sam
Score:	8/10
Effect:	Happiness
Comments:	Fruity, no aftertaste.

Sara
Score:	9/10
Effect:	Happiness
Comments:	It's a double-decker-pecker-wrecker.

Scott
Score:	9/10
Effect:	Confidence
Comments:	Liquid Jolly Rancher. The pink one.

Jordan
Score:	9/10
Comments:	The love child of cream soda and watermelon.

Results
Total Score:	7.5/10
Correct Responses:	2
Conclusion:	Only two people were able to guess that this soda was a ringer and had no advertised effect. About a third felt happy after having a drink; probably because they were relieved that there was no aftertaste. Jones Soda: It doesn't taste like ass 30 seconds after you've taken a sip.

This was my personal gift to the group: a bottle of Leninade, the Soviet soda. Leninade is made by a company called Real Soda in Real Bottles Ltd. The bottle itself is a real treasure, as it's plastered with several gems such as:

• Get hammered & sickled.
• A taste worth standing in line for.
• Drink Comrade! Drink! It's this or the Gulag!

It's also worth mentioning that one of the ingredients listed is "the joy of the workers". I'm not sure how that's supposed to taste, but I'm guessing socialicious.

Dayton
Score:	3/10
Effect:	Happiness
Comments:	Very mild if noticable flavor. Aftertaste is like floor cleaner smells.

Duffman
Score:	3/10
Effect:	No effect
Comments:	Tastes the same as the last.

Dylan
Score:	6/10
Effect:	Happiness
Comments:	If you like carbonated, slightly flavored water, this is the pop for you.

Evan
Score:	3/10
Effect:	No smell, no real taste. This is the anti-flavor.
Comments:

John
Score:	1/10
Effect:	Radiance
Comments:	Aspartame!

Josh
Score:	3/10
Effect:	Calmness
Comments:	Tastes like nothing...with sugar.

Sam
Score:	5/10
Effect:	No effect
Comments:	Fizzy water and lemon cleaner.

Sara
Score:	5/10
Effect:	Calmness
Comments:	1 out of 3 blahs.

Scott
Score:	4/10
Effect:	Calmness
Comments:	No fucking taste. No smell.

Jordan
Score:	7/10
Comments:	Kind of soapy tasting, but good overall.

Results
Total Score:	4/10
Correct Responses:	2
Conclusion:	Despite the conflict over weather this tastes like soap or nothing at all is the question over the perceived effect. Two people thought it made you happy. Three thought it made you calm. Hmm...you know those are traits you'd want in a communist nation. I think we should arrange for a large-scale test in Cuba!

With no more ringers, the rest of the sodas were all Nutrisoda (not that the testers had any idea). Immune was supposed to taste like tangerine and lime (although nothing Nutrisoda made seemed to taste anything like the flavor listed on the bottle). Most people had already thought that Nutrisoda Radiant was provided a boost to the immune system. It would be worth the terrible taste to see if they would change their minds.

Dayton
Score:	5/10
Effect:	No effect
Comments:	Very big bite at the beginning. Mild aftertaste that never ends.

Duffman
Score:	4/10
Effect:	No effect
Comments:	Again, tastes like the last. I feel like I am drunk.

Dylan
Score:	3/10
Effect:	No effect
Comments:	Lemon and bad.

Evan
Score:	4/10
Effect:	Focus
Comments:	Initial bad taste followed by nothing.

John
Score:	8/10
Effect:	Intelligence
Comments:	Makes me smart.

Josh
Score:	0/10
Effect:	Confidence
Comments:	Makes me want to never drink anything like this again. It just tastes like bad.

Sam
Score:	0/10
Effect:	Energy
Comments:	Death.

Sara
Score:	0/10
Effect:	No effect
Comments:	I have removed my tongue.

Scott
Score:	3/10
Effect:	No effect
Comments:	Smells like Fresca. Tastes like the aftertaste of Fresca.

Jordan
Score:	1/10
Comments:	Made me gag and pray for death.

Results
Total Score:	2.8/10
Correct Responses:	0
Conclusion:	Not one person got this one right. In fact, the majority believed that this had no effect.

Morale was low. Nobody was expecting it to be this bad. Hell, I never imagined that this would turn into a multi-hour tongue rape. I was expecting clean, clear flavors. What I got was musty, health-food store crap. The kind of drink that vegans go for because they don't realize how much better everything else tastes.

Finally, it was time for the last test. You could feel the relief in the room. One more swallow, and it would be done and over with. Well, except for the final reveal that is.

Oh, and Nutrisoda Calm claims to be citron and wildberry flavored in case you're interested.

Dayton
Score:	6/10
Effect:	Confidence
Comments:	Mellow taste. Not a huge bite. Minimal aftertaste.

Duffman
Score:	5/10
Effect:	No effect
Comments:	No comment.

Dylan
Score:	7/10
Effect:	Intelligence
Comments:	Not too shabby. Aftertaste is a bit rough, but okay.

Evan
Score:	5/10
Effect:	Energy
Comments:	Smells and tastes like pink. Anything that has been artificially flavored or colored to be pink tastes and smells like this.

John
Score:	6/10
Effect:	No effect
Comments:	This reminds me of my childhood, when the world was a happier place and my dad took me on long drives every Sunday. During these drives we would stop at the local farmers markets and fruit vendors. It was a joyous time in my childhood.

Josh
Score:	6/10
Effect:	Focus
Comments:	Tastes like the watermelon one (see Jones Soda Fu-Fu Berry above. - Ed.) but with a bad aspartame aftertaste.

You gonna get raped.

What a revoltin' development this is!

Sam
Score:	6/10
Effect:	Energy
Comments:	Old people candy.

Sara
Score:	7/10
Effect:	No effect
Comments:	Surprising, which is not like two in the pink and one in the stink surprising, which is bad. This was not that bad.

Scott
Score:	5/10
Effect:	Energy
Comments:	Old people candy.

Jordan
Score:	2/10
Comments:	Why in the fuck does this have the aftertaste of celery?

Results
Total Score:	5.5/10
Correct Responses:	0
Conclusion:	Not only did nobody get this one right, but 1/3 of the testers thought this was supposed to give the drinker energy, the complete opposite of this drink's claims of calming.

1. Calm: 5.5
2. Focus: 3.8
3. Immune: 2.8
4. Energize: 1.9
5. Radiant: 1.3

1. Jones Soda Fu-Fu Berry: 7.5
2. Irn-Bru: 5.4
3. Leninade: 4.0

The results of the test were disappointing. Focus was the only drink that even came close to not being an outright lie, but even then, only two people got it right! The same number of people were able to tell that Fu-Fu Berry and Leninade did not taste as horrible as Nutrisoda, and could be drank without fear of collapsing into a quivering heap.

Duffman was the most accurate tester, but he was only able to tell which sodas were placed in the test as ringers. He got every Nutrisoda wrong. Every damned one. Strangely enough, he could tell that taurine was used in Energize. We have no idea how the fuck he did that.

One last mention: this test actually made Duffman sick. No kidding. After the tests, he bolted home and spent the rest of the weekend either in bed or by his toilet, making it suffer the same way he had to.

Nutrisoda failed the test. The best results were 2 out of 9, which is less than 1/4. In scientastic terminology that means that there is not a statistical likelihood that these drinks provide any of the properties claimed on the label, and should be drank when you're either:

1. Looking to punish yourself for some misdeed.
2. Extremely drunk and unable to find anything else to mix with Jaggermeister.
3. A dirty fucking hippy.

The best consensus was Irn-Bru, which 6 out of 9 people claimed that it provided them with some kind of bizarre anti-cancer agent. Like the Scottish have discovered the secret to curing cancer, and they decided the best way to distribute it is to put it in soda. As if!

So, bottom-line: it looks like Nutrisoda is a placebo. It tells you that it can calm you down or make you more resistant to illness, but what you're doing is buying into the idea that it can do those things. It's not actually doing anything but making you gag on something so bitter and nasty tasting, it makes day-old roadkill look like a tasty alternative.

Oh, and despite what people claim, absolutely no aspartame was in any of the Nutrisoda.

It's been about three months since the tests. In that time period, several changes have been occurred, both to Nutrisoda and to the testers.

Nutrisoda reformulated their brand and no longer makes Radiant (or three other flavors that I had no idea existed: Flex, Slender and Renew). The flavors of Focus and Energize have also both been changed in the shake-up.

Dayton became a professional wrestler under the name the Hungry Hungry Hungarian, also known as the "most massive chest in Budapest". His losing streak is fairly impressive.

Duffman is undergoing toxicity treatments to remove lingering traces of Nutrisoda from his bloodstream. The therapy is going well, and he expects to return to a normal life within the next six months.

Dylan threatened Useless Babble with a cease and desist order to prevent his role in the test from being made public. The joke's on him though: he signed away his rights in exchange for a half a pizza and some breadsticks.

Evan disappeared shortly after the test. His whereabouts are unknown.

John attempted to kill himself by creating a mixture made up of all the left-over Nutrisoda. Police needed to be called in to help stop him from imbibing the concoction. He is currently detained in a local hospital under suicide prevention watch.

Josh has absolutely no recollection of his involvement in this experiment.

Sam has refused any and all attempts to contact him on the grounds of psychological distress.

Sara has taken up working in the field of septic tank repairs, citing this experiment as previous experience.

Scott thought this article had already been posted a month ago.

Jordan continues to work on a new way to get a large group of people together for a similar article, despite the results of this one. Maybe in 2011...

Damn. There's a lot of terrible soda there.

• The Great Crush Tasting
• Cooking with Count Chocula
• Horrors of the Icebox