Ok, so most of you are asking yourselves "Who in the hell is Nadya Suleman, and what did she do to get on the list?" Well, you might know her by another name. Nadya is the famed Octomom.
Well, before she was Octomom, she was just plain Nadya, a psychiatric technician (they dispense medication and collect data on patients) who was living on worker's compensation for a back injury. During this time, she started seeing Doctor Michael Kamrava for in-vitro fertilization treatments.
Now, this might not seem that strange. She was married at the time, but separated from her husband (they would later be divorced, citing that they were unable to conceive children together). So, from 2001 through 2006, Nadya received treatments using the same sperm donor and birthed six children.
For most people, especially ones who are out of work, this would be well beyond the time to stop having babies, but Nadya isn't that kind of person. No, in 2008, she underwent treatment again, having six embryos implanted.
All six took, with two splitting off as twins, and soon the media was swooning over the 'Octomom'. It wasn't until after the birth, several large donations for support and the survival of all the children that the dirty secrets began to come out.
Apparently people like babies, but not having to pay for them. So, when they heard that the 'Octomom' now had a total of 14 children, was $50,000 in debt, living on social assistance, and both Nadya and her spawn lived with her parents in a three-bedroom house, they were upset.
It turned out that her disability money had been used to pay for all of her in-vitro fertilization treatments, and that she had been receiving food stamps and support for her previous six children. When it was estimated that tax-payers may have to fork out over $1 million for the octuplet's medical care, people started going apeshit.
Death threats, and vandalism started to target Nadya, who soon moved with her mother to another home. Her father moved to Iraq to work as a translator, and possibly to get a good night's sleep.
As for the doctor who gave her the treatments, it was shown that he was clearly acting unethically by performing all of Nadya's fertility treatments as well as in other cases and was expelled by the American Society for Reproductive Medicine.
As for why Nadya's on the list and not the doctor; after the birth, she spent time shopping around for a reality television show so that people could watch her personal train-wreck. Most networks, fearing the same backlash that targeted the Octomom, chose to pass. Fox however, did air a special called "Octo-Mom: The Incredible Unseen Footage", and she has signed an agreement to have her children star in a reality show that will air in the UK.
But even while whoring herself out, she managed to keep her morals intact, refusing a $1 million offer to star in a porno.
So, for whoring out her children instead of herself, and having taxpayers pay the bills, Nadya "Octomom" Suleman has earned the 5th spot on this list.
There's not much to say about Bernie Madoff that hasn't been said in the news (except maybe that the name, pronounced
'made-off' is incredibly appropriate for a criminal). In March of 2009, he pleaded guilty to 11 crimes relating to a Ponzi scheme that he had been running.
But it wasn't just any old run-of-the-mill, bilk-little-old-ladies-out-of-their-pension-money Ponzi schemes. It might just be the largest Ponzi scheme in history.
For those of you who don't know, a Ponzi scheme is a simple, but effective way to bilk people out money by offering them an investment is too good to be true.
For example, I make up a fake investment fund called "Jordan's Awesome Fund" and claim that it returns about 20% every 30 days. People will naturally be interested and invest their money. When somebody wants their money, I take what they've given me, build up the fake return by adding money that other people have invested and give it all to them, but try to get it back by persuading them that they should reinvest the money. For the most part, the invested money goes in my pocket.
This is a very simple version of the scam, but in the end, they usually end when the person running it is either caught, or disappears with the money. Well, Madoff was caught, after his children reported to police in late 2008 that he had confessed the entire thing to them.
So, why is he one of the top dicks of 2009?
Well, once he was arrested, then released on bail on what prosecutors first though was securities fraud totaling a piddling $50 billion, he was caught trying to funnel money to relatives by mailing $1 million in jewelry to them, and was caught with $173 million in signed checks. The amount that he was then found to have defrauded increased to $65 billion.
Now most people, when caught red-handed of such a staggering crime, may try to cooperate with the courts to try and reduce their sentences. Not Bernie: he pled guilty, but helped very little with the investigation, leading to suspicions that some of the missing money might be held in off-shore accounts and could take years to discover.
So, for trying to weasel as much money as he possibly could away from investigators after being caught for the largest securities fraud in history, Bernie Madoff reserves his spot on this list as #4.
Wow, that's a pretty broad category right? The entirety of news-based companies in North America? This is going to take some explanation:
Well, years ago, a media mogul by the name of Randolph Hearst discovered that by misrepresenting facts to make things appear to be worse than they really are, he could sell more newspapers: an act known as yellow journalism.
Fast-forward to 2009 and the H1N1 flu outbreak (aka swine flu). The virus has broken out in Veracruz, Mexico and quickly spread across the globe. The mass media was all over it like shit on a pay-toilet seat. Areas were quarantined, schools were closed, mass vaccination shots were planned and in some places, pigs were slaughtered to prevent the spread of the virus.
Mass media reported that the virus was extremely deadly and reported general doom and gloom for months. But nothing significant happened.
Then, mass media reported that the virus was going to return, and it would be deadlier than ever. It would be worse than the Spanish influenza outbreak of 1918 and without significant help, the streets would fill with the dead (well, not really that last part, but it was implied). Fast-forward again to present day and this still hasn't happened.
So, what happened? Well, nothing really. It turns out that swine flu isn't really all that deadly compared to other flu strains. The Center for Disease Control estimates that around 36,000 people in the United States dies of the flu every year. Compare that to swine flu, where there have been a total of 9,840 deaths up to November 14th, 2009 in the US.
And how does that stack up to the Spanish flu outbreak? Well, in the 28 months that the Spanish flu outbreak was active, it killed an estimated 50 million people, or about 21,428,571 people a year.
So, sure swine flu is deadly, but likely only about as deadly as the normal form of the flu. Which means that if you're not pregnant, very young, very old or unable to get access to basic medical care, you're probably fine. Sip some OJ, take a couple of aspirin and stop panicking.
The Spanish flu was so deadly because it was in 1918. Multivitamins weren't invented until 1934 and antibiotics weren't made safe for human use until 1932. People back in 1918 were living in the Stone Age of medicine compared to what resources we have available today.
So, for making everybody panic and fear for their lives over the fucking sniffles, the North-American Mass Media is #3 on the list of the top dicks of 2009.
This is another pair of name on the list that you may not be familiar with. These are the two parents who performed the 'balloon boy hoax' in October of 2009.
The two constructed a flying-saucer-shaped helium balloon using plastic, plywood, aluminum foil and duct tape and then filmed the launch, where it becomes apparent that tethers to keep the balloon from flying away were not secured. And then, they claimed that their son, Falcon, was in the aircraft.
This is where it starts to get really stupid.
They called KUSA-TV, a local television station to inform them and ask that a news helicopter be sent out to track the balloon. Afterwards, they called 911 to report that their child was on the balloon.
Officials tracked the balloon for 97 km, stopping air traffic in the area and dispatching military helicopters to assist with the effort, only to discover that the balloon was empty. Emergency crews then scoured the area of the balloon's flight path looking for the boy to no avail.
Finally, hours later, young Falcon was found hiding in a cardboard box in the rafters above the family's garage. And that's about when suspicions were raised. Several people who had studied the balloon raised doubts about the ability for it to carry young Falcon so high.
Then came the killing blow: the family had been shopping around to have a reality television show made about their daily lives.
It turned out that the Heene family had been on the reality tv show Wife Swap twice previously, and that they had been in talks with both TLC and Lifetime to have an entire series based around them (both of whom declined to create a show). They were finally outted live on national TV as frauds.
Both Richard and Mayumi were arrested, but neither were cooperating until officials threatened to deport Mayumi, a Japanese citizen. Both then entered a guilty plea, with Mayumi confessing to the hoax. On December 23rd, both were found guilty. Richard was sentenced to 90 days in jail and 4 years of probation and Mayumi was sentenced to 20 days to be served on weekends.
The Heenes had finally gotten what they wanted, national fame on television, but at an estimated cost of $2 million to tax-payers and their reputations.
So, both Richard and Mayumi Heene, world-class dicks for exploiting peoples' fear of danger to children secure the #2 spot in the list, but both pale in comparison to the top of the pile.
That's right. The balloon boy himself is the #1 dick of 2009. A six-year old boy. And why do you ask does he deserve such a dubious distinction?
Why, take a look for yourself:
So, not only does young Falcon take a leading role in one of the scummiest scams of 2009, but he also rats out his parents on live TV for it. They might have defrauded emergency services and created a scare, but he defrauded emergency services, created a scare AND ratted out his parents.
Falcon Heene: you have performed possibly the most underhanded, dick-move of the year and we salute you!
