Jordan's Page of Useless Babble




5. Kim Jong-il

Dear Leader personally defending his people by utilizing his dreaded laser eye cannon attack.
Dear Leader personally defending his people by utilizing his dreaded laser eye cannon attack.

Kim Jong-il had made it as the #5 spot in the list, but not for anything he did when he was alive. He's here because on the 17th of December he decided to up and die.

As a result, two terrible things have happened:

  1. Team America: World Police now contains dated jokes. Yeah, thanks for that.
  2. His death, prophesized in the videogame Homefront came one year early.

You would have thought that Dear Leader could simply use his mind to keep himself alive long enough to prevent these events from occurring, but no. He has to pull off a dick move and die. Thanks for nothing.


4. Vancouver Stanley Cup Rioters

June 15th, 2011: game seven of the Stanley Cup playoffs between Vancouver and Boston. The City of Vancouver was feeling pretty cocky following the successful gatherings for both the 2010 Winter Olympics and previous playoff games that year. They had designated a two-block long area complete with fences, gates, police and big-screen televisions so fans that did not have tickets to that final game could still come down and watch.

While during the previous games, police had been able to control the flow of alcohol by having local liquor stores close early and checking the crowd for alcohol as they entered the fan zone, they let their guards down, and an element not seen yet was able to infiltrate the previously well-behaved group: the drunken, belligerent sports-asshole.

30,000 more fans crowded into the zone than for previous games, many finding ways to avoid checkpoints, allowing them to bring booze in with them, and blocking access for emergency vehicles.

Then Vancouver lost the game.

You shall not pass!
You shall not pass!

The drunken, belligerent sports-asshole is a unique breed. They are, by their very nature, drunk, and often feel a need to put a hurt on something. What makes them unique is that their natural instinct to cause damage and steal is unrelated to the outcome of the event they are attending. If Vancouver had won the game, they probably would have rioted anyway.

As the game ended, people in the fan zone began throwing things at the big-screen TVs. Then, a car was overturned and set on fire, which of course is the international symbol that a riot may begin. By the time the police were able to contain the riot, 17 cars had been set on fire, at least 150 people had been injured (including 9 police officers), 4 people had been stabbed and there was wide scale vandalism and looting of local businesses.

And despite all the damage, as well as over one million photographs and 1,600 hours of video of the riots, only a relative handful of over 100 people have been arrested, and as of the 27th of December, only 28 people face charges of rioting.

Vancouver hockey fans are normally peaceful.
Vancouver hockey fans are normally peaceful.

So, for causing widespread havoc and widely getting away with it, the Vancouver Stanley Cup rioters earn their place as #4 in our list of the top assholes of 2011.


3. News of the World Phone Hackers

As far back as 2005, people knew something was up. How else could the various tabloid newspapers owned by the News Corporation, including News of the World have such in-depth information about the comings and goings of politicians, celebrities and royals without having amassed a small army of paid informants?

It turned out that the newspaper had hired private investigators to hack the phones of several individuals, giving them access to voice mail messages, emails and even photographs that they used to write their stories. But that wasn't the end. They also hacked the phones of crime victims, such as those of the 7/7 London Bombings and murder victim Milly Dowler. Police payoffs were also uncovered, adding another layer of sleaze to the whole affair.

A dozen reporters, editors and executives were arrested as a result of the investigations. Many more people, including members of the Greater London Metropolitan Police Service resigned. The tabloid News of the World was also closed following an advertiser's boycott of the paper.

For going far beyond the pale in unethical and illegal behavior, those involved in the News of the World phone hacking scandal earn the #3 spot in this list.


2. Nafissatou Diallo

"Well, it was about this big around..."
"Well, it was about this big around..."

On May 13th, Dominique Strauss-Kahn was a pretty damned important guy: the head of the International Monetary Fund and considered to be one of the leading candidates (although he hadn't yet announced his candidacy) for the 2012 French presidential elections. Then he met Nafissatu Diallo, a hotel maid in New York.

By the very next day Strauss-Kahn was arrested and charged with the sexual assault and attempted rape of Diallo in his hotel room. Things were looking bad for him. His chances of becoming president of France were shot to hell, and by the 16th he had resigned from the IMF. He plead not guilty to the charges, but admitted that he had sex with Diallo.

And from the looks of it, he'd do it again.
And from the looks of it, he'd do it again.

In late June, as the prosecution and defense both continually looked deeper into Diallo's story, they began to find major problems. Her story of the events of the attack, along with her actions afterwards changed multiple times. A story she told prosecutors about being raped by soldiers while in her native Guinea turned out to be completely made up. Then prosecutors learned that she had called her boyfriend in a detention center talking about how a guy had a lot of money and she knew what she was doing.

After these inconsistencies came to light, Strauss-Khan was quickly released from house arrest and the charges against him were dropped by late August. A week and a half later, Diallo's attorney filed a civil suit against Strauss-Khan, which is still ongoing.

For faking a rape, that cost a man his job, and his chance at becoming president (even if it was just of France), Nafissatou Diallo earns her #2 spot on as one of this year's biggest dicks.


1. Mike McQueary

Arguably the biggest goddamn sports-related news story this year is the Penn State sex abuse scandal, where former Pennsylvania State University assistant football coach Jerry Sandusky stands charged of 40 counts of sexual abuse against young boys over a period of 15 years. But Sandusky doesn't get this spot. Oh no. There's an even bigger asshole at work here.

Meet Mike McQueary. Mike here is also an assistant football coach for Penn State. Mike says that back in 2002, he happened to be in the locker room when he heard rhythmic slapping sounds coming from the showers. When he looked into the showers, he says he saw a naked boy, around 10 years old with his hands against the wall, having anal intercourse with Jerry Sandusky.

So, of course Mike punches out Sandusky, saves the boy and is hailed as a hero for stopping a child predator who is raping boys in the ass, right?

No?

Ok, then he must have saved the boy and called the cops right away right?

No?!

Well, he at least saved the boy right?

No?!?

Well, what the fuck did he do then?

Apparently, Sandusky stepped away from the boy, and Mike decided that was good enough for him. So he went home, and the very next day, he reported it to the head coach. That ought to do it.

Doing his best to recreate the scenario.
Doing his best to recreate the scenario.

Sandusky may be bad, but it pales in comparison to a man who is put into a position to stop a terrible crime, but instead makes the absolute minimum effort, which ensures that crimes like that can continue to happen for years afterwards. For that, he earns the coveted top spot on our list.

We salute you, you king among assholes.


Wow. There you have it. Ten of the biggest dicks that have defiled us with their very presence. Goddamn, I need a drink.

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