Welcome to a brand new feature: Jordan vs. Jordan. This is where Evil Jordan (he's the one on the left) and I (on the right dumbass) go head to head and debate on different topics.
For the sake of clarity, mainly to keep us from getting letter-bombs from frustrated readers, my speech will be in this color while Evil Jordan's text will be in this color.
And tonight's topic is: (drumroll please)
Jordan: So, what are we going discuss? How much of a wimp Superman is?
Evil Jordan: Who you are supporting just became glaringly obvious...not only are we going to discuss that, but we are going to compare every aspect of the Superman vs Batman mythos. From comics, to television, to movies, to an actual hypothetical fight between the characters.
Jordan: I'm assuming you've actually read some comics featuring those characters?
Evil Jordan: Once I accidentally sneezed while drinking a slushie in a comic book store, spewing frozen blue sugar water on a superman comic on the shelf, which I then had to buy. I think that makes me qualified.
Jordan: Fair enough. So, where shall we begin?
Evil Jordan: Both have been producing comics for over sixty years now. Both are archetypes for almost every other superhero that has ever come along. But which comic run is better? To avoid insanity, just pick the best Batman comic arc you can think of and I'll google one for Superman.
Jordan: There's just so many to pick from. There's the Long Halloween for example. If you want over the top Batman with absolutely moral fiber you could say that Batman: Year One or Batman: The Dark Knight Returns are both classics.
Evil Jordan: And Superman beats the shit out of all of those comics with one flex of his mighty arm. Know why? Wait important question: are we allowed to swear on your gay-ass website?
Jordan: Sure, knock yourself the fuck out.
Evil Jordan: Fuck yeah. Anyways where was I...oh yeah, asking you a rhetorical question. Know why?
Jordan: Because Superman is a wimpy puss who can't keep his hands out of Jimmy Olsen's filthy retainer water run-off?
Evil Jordan: Whoa, whoa lets not start throwing stones at glass houses! Lets remember Batman's primary sidekick, Robin.
I would have to say Batman wins the "gayest sidekick" portion of tonights show. Which actually does cut our conversation in half...
If your done huffing from Cool Whip cans, I'll continue. Superman wins because he had the prestige, the gall, the absolute balls of steel to team up with the Nestle Quik Bunny, who everyday makes my breakfast cereal an adventure.
and reads it in an unironic fashion.
Jordan: But they did join forces to face the Weather Wizard: one of the lamest villains in Flash's rogue gallery. And sure, Robin might come off a little light in his loafers, but Frank Miller's rendition of Batman tries to beat it out of him with harsh treatment and forcing him to eat rats for food.
Evil Jordan: While I admit I've never heard of an important Superman comic arc that didn't somehow involve my breakfast food, while Batman has awesome arcs like Hush and the Killing Joke...but I'm sure that doesn't mean anything.....god dammit.
Jordan: Well, let's just say that Lois Lane has never been beaten to death with a lead pipe.
Evil Jordan: Fine, Batman does seem to have the superior run of comic books. Just because I've actually read a Batman comic in my life, while you can pretty much see that Superman comics are kinda stupid. You get the point. Lets move onto before you self congratulate yourself into an orgasm....
Jordan: Too late.
| Score | |
|---|---|
| Jordan: | 1 |
| Evil Jordan: | 0 |
Evil Jordan: Both Superman and Batman have seen many theatrical adaptations, but which one has the better movies?
Evil Jordan: You sir get the opening argument.
Jordan: Where to start...both of them have had some really shitty movies. Batman had Adam West carrying around a bomb conveniently marked 'bomb' and using his bat-shark repellent (which remarkably also works on ordinary sharks too). Batman also had the horror that is Joel Schumacher. He brought us tight codpieces, bat-nipples, garish neon cities and too many ice-related puns to be able to count.
Evil Jordan: Openly gay directors like nipple suited Batmen. Who knew?
Jordan: As long as I'm counting, Batman also had Tim Burton, who brought us the laughably bad Prince music video...you know what? I'm just going to give you the point. Batman's had more good movies (Batman Begins, Dark Knight and the awesomeness that is Batman: Dead End, but he's had way more terrible, cringe-inducing ones. Superman wins, hands down.
I willingly kneel before Zod.
Evil Jordan: Wow really? I won...I won I can't believe I won even with Batman Begins and Dark Knight to fight against and...I mean of course I won!
The first Superman movie, out in 1978, was an innovation in technology, special effects and probably story telling even though I can't really remember the plot right now.
The catch line for the movie was "You will believe a man can fly" and they did a pretty damn good job.
Jordan: The first film was in 1948.
(aka they don't call him the Man of Steel for nothing)
Evil Jordan: Fuck you, I go by the theory that things happening more than ten years before I was born didn't happen.
Jordan: And Lex Luthor uses nukes to destroy the west coast so his cheap desert real estate will sell for a fortune.
Evil Jordan: I'm just going to move on and pretend the last few minutes didn't happen. Kay?
Jordan: Kay.
Evil Jordan: Then we get some really lackluster sequels. And if the third movie hadn't ended them, Christopher Reeve's crippling would have. But at least it all ended up okay for him in the end right?
Jordan: I hear he died choking on a glass of iced tea and stem cells and it was covered up by a shadowy conspiracy-type group.
Evil Jordan: The important thing is he's at God's right hand now, flying around on a saint-powered rocket chair.
Jordan: You'd think that he'd be able to walk in Heaven.
Evil Jordan: You'd think so, but apparently God really is against the stem cell research like the religious nuts say and that's his way of showing it, but I digress...
Jordan: I'll open a window.
Evil Jordan: Then we come to the modern day where we are faced with Superman Returns. What the fuck?
You saw it right?
Jordan: By saw, if you mean, I watched the trailer through the package of sour patch kids I was eating, and then later heard Kevin Spacey scream "wrong!", then yes, I've seen it.
Evil Jordan: Oh well, trust me, it sucked. Think of everything you would want to see in a Superman movie.
Got it? Good. None of it was in that movie.
Jordan: Damn...so did it feature Dean Cain or something?
Evil Jordan: No, I just wanted to see Superman break planets in half. Not dick around with Lois Lane for an hour. So bad...but hey, you already gave me the point and I'm not giving it back. I win this one because your a quitter and it's the reason why you can't have children. Condoms are for wussies that only do half a job. Real men make their girlfriends have abortions.
Jordan: Speaking of which, how in the hell does Superman not kill Lois Lane while they have sex? I mean, ejaculations aside, if he gets really excited and starts to lose control, he's liable to smoosh her into a fine paste against his crotch-bones
Evil Jordan: Yes yes we've all read Man of Steel and Woman of Tissue (For those that haven't: Link! Nerdage at it's best.)
| Score | |
|---|---|
| Jordan: | 1 |
| Evil Jordan: | 1 |
I think we can agree there have been some great (and not so great) TV shows with these characters.
Jordan: Wait...which ones were great?
Evil Jordan: Batman and Superman the Animated Series
But all live action adaptations have been so horrible, I say we discount them, even if we do spend a moment to pour one onto the curb for Adam West.
Jordan: So, if we're talking about cartoons, there's a lot of cross-over...beyond a couple singular shows featuring one or the other, most feature both at one point or another.
Evil Jordan: Lets ignore the cross over franchises like Justice League Animated or whatever. Though actually if we go for Batman: the Animated Series and Superman: the Animated Series, they were pretty much made by the exact same people and were both pretty awesome.
Jordan: So...that leaves the recent Batman series, the other recent, cheap looking one with Deidrich Bader and the Batman Beyond spinoff?
Evil Jordan: So errr...that does seem to leave Batman ahead, on quantity if nothing else.
And I really don't have the time to write, direct and animate my own Superman cartoon to defeat you here.
Jordan: Bitchin!
Evil Jordan: You've got this one. So lets move on from my ball crushing defeat.
| Score | |
|---|---|
| Jordan: | 2 |
| Evil Jordan: | 1 |
Jordan: And right back onto another ball-crushing defeat.
I've got one argument to end this once and for all: Superman 64.
Evil Jordan: huh I...yeah....but there was...yeah....fuck.
Jordan: Arkham Asylum is awesome, but Superman 64 is so bad that there's absolutely nothing to redeem it.
Evil Jordan: Superman is a much more difficult character to produce a game for. He has to fly, destroy the environment...fly...Batman just has to punch people.
But Arkham Asylum did rock.
Point for you.
| Score | |
|---|---|
| Jordan: | 3 |
| Evil Jordan: |
Now unless my math is completely buggered by all the coke I did tonight, that leaves us with a tie.
Jordan: Damn.
he got distracted by the architecture, and decided to level a building instead.
Evil Jordan: So it comes down to the grudge match, who would win in a fight? Batman or Superman? God damn this one is such an easy win I almost feel bad.
Jordan: Well, let's talk weaknesses first then.
Evil Jordan: Batman is full of breakable bones and organs.
Jordan: True.
Evil Jordan: His skin does not deflect bullets.
Jordan: Also true.
Superman has weaknesses to two things: magic and kryptonite; a rare mineral so common that it's available damn near everywhere
Evil Jordan: Apparently meteors from an exploding planet are common as donuts in the DC universe.
Jordan: I think it'd come down to who hits who first.
If Batman has time he'll be up in kryptonite faster than a fat kid greasing himself up for a hotdog eating competition.
Evil Jordan: Okay well Superman has super-speed. While Batman is thinking about fighting, Superman has already thrown him into the sun.
Jordan: Ahh, but you forget one critical fact: Superman is a prude.
All Batman has to do is go into a bathroom and prepare. Superman won't use his powers to look inside or listen in. Seriously though, I think they specifically address this in an issue of the Question.
Evil Jordan: The Question comic book does not have the answer to every...question...but perhaps it should. Though actually I have a definitive answer as to why Superman wins, and it is unarguable and even backed up by canon.
Jordan: Ok. Shoot.
Evil Jordan: Point 1. Batman always has kryptonite on him "just in case" Superman goes rogue. Agreed?
Jordan: Define rogue?
Evil Jordan: Evil. Not-Good. Red Son. Etc. etc. etc.
Jordan: But Lex Luthor decks himself out in the green stuff quite regularly. Supes doesn't go berserk then.
Evil Jordan: Point 2. Lex Luthor does the same thing (but for different reasons) and got cancer as a result.
Batman has been carrying that radioactive rock around for years now...he has cancer and it's UNDIAGNOSED!
Jordan: But he'd be the man who kicked Superman's ass. It's a pretty good thing to put on your tombstone.
Evil Jordan: Okay fine. Batman won the fight but died soon after and Robin had to change the diaper of the man he once idolized (and maybe somebody got thrown into the sun).
Jordan: So, should we just say that Superman simply doesn't have the cojones to kill the Batman?
Evil Jordan: I'd rather say that Superman wins by having the most lame revenge. Living well and murdering prostitutes with rocket semen.
Jordan: So, Superman dies from kryptonite poisoning and Batman dies of cancer? Sounds like a tie to me.
Evil Jordan: Kryptonite poisoning or a lethal case of blue balls. But I concur, the war is over. The Internet can finally have peace.
We have definitely answered the Batman vs Superman question. We're the heroes now.
Jordan: I feel like the world's a better place.
Batman wins, but his victory is pyrrhic, and in the end, utterly meaningless. He will spend the fleeting few years remaining on this Earth bitterly recounting it endlessly in his mind.
