Jordan's Page of Useless Babble

Turd Ferguson's Life in Jeopardy

How to behave in the men's room is common engrained knowledge in most men. Women or younger males may need advice when preparing to enter the domain of the Y chromosome. Here I try to deliver some advice on some of the basic ground rules and expectations when using these facilities.

Tip #1 - No Talking Allowed

Conversationalists will be beaten.

Men do not converse in the bathroom. Rare exceptions when they take younger children into the bath room with them or a janitor curses the three-coil surprises left waiting for them. There is no reason why men relieving themselves at the urinal need to share thoughts, feelings, weather or any other piece of information or conversation. Equally this applies to bath room stalls, just because you cannot see the other patron does not mean you may begin talking to them.

Further to this, no direct eye contact is allowed. In some rare cases where accidental eye contact is made, a quick nod of the head is allowed in order to signal recognition and dismissal at the same time.

Tip #2 - Changing in the Bathroom is Prohibited Past a Certain Age

Did that old man shit himself or does he just need to get into a new outfit for supper?

This rule is broken every day in countless rest rooms across the country. Primary delinquents are the septuagenarian and octogenarian variety of males. Changing clothes in public is necessary sometimes yet should be restricted to an empty stall. Most elderly gentlemen choose to change in the middle of the room allowing their "old balls" and "loose skin" to be exposed to the elements.

Any man who enters the lavatory only to be greeted by old aged spotted twig legs (clothed in depends and knee high black socks) should shudder and appear confused. If you find yourself in this situation and there is not over one (1) meter of room to pass on either side, perform the firm nod and exit. If possible make no eye contact and pretend you forgot something outside.

Tip #3 - Make as Much Noise as Possible, but Only if you Have to

There was only the sound of broken porcelain and women crying faintly in the distance.

Inevitably you will find yourself defecating in a bathroom stall. Often it is difficult not to make bowel movement percussions as they should be; sounded off in audible mastery for those lucky enough to share the room with you. Often you will hear a chuckle or two from urinal users as you "toot your own horn".

Keep in mind that this can be a fun game if an anonymous stranger and you battle the bowls for flatuation domination!

Tip #4 - Urinal Selection

This is perhaps the most important tip of them all. There are simple rules to follow when entering a public rest room with other participants. There is often confusion and uncomfortable situations that are easily avoided following these simple rules.

Case 1: Two (2) urinals separated by a partition - You are good to go, select the free urinal. If both are occupied, use a stall (aiming at that point is purely optional). If no stalls are available, wait for a count of three (3) seconds and exit the room.

Case #1: Two urinals separated by a partition.

Case 2: Four (4) urinals, #1 position occupied - Use urinal #4 to create a 2 urinal buffer zone. The tough decision is now left to the next visitor.

Case #2: Four urinals, first position occupied.

Case 3: Four (4) urinals, #1 and #2 positions occupied - A rare occurrence: likely 2 patrons took too long to finish, score urinal #4 and laugh your way to relief. The worst stall is now left to the next visitor.

Case #3: Four urinals, first and second positions occupied.

Case 4: More than four (4) urinals, some occupied - Here is where it gets tricky. The minimum you can leave in a non-partitioned urinal environment is one (1) urinal between you and the next patron. If you are unable to secure this, use a stall. If you are unable to secure a stall, leave.

Case #4: More than four urinals, some occupied.

Case 5: A trough is placed in lieu of a urinal - God help you. Find somewhere outside to piss.

Image of what a piss-trough might look like.

Turd Ferguson

Turd Ferguson is a contributing writer who has never been solicited for an article. This website considers Mr. Ferguson to be an editorial writer, and this website has no stance as to the authenticity of his claims or the reality he portrays. Each of his articles arrives via teletype along with a recipe for quiche and a veiled threat against the webmaster's family. Mr. Ferguson lives with his cats Fluffy and Lord Tamberlane in an undisclosed wooded and heavily fortified location.

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