Jordan's Page of Useless Babble

WeightWatchers Smart Ones Strawberry Shortcake

I'm not even going to pretend that this wasn't recycled from 2009.
I'm not even going to pretend that this wasn't recycled from 2009.

National Frozen Food Day came and went, and where was I? Sick in bed! I had just enough energy to get out the normal article, but not enough to go that extra mile. But I actually did review something! It just never made its way out to you gentle reader. You people demand more from me than vomit and fever sweats, so here it is!

I'm not really sure what possessed people to decide there should be a National Frozen Food Day. I'm big on food science, and frozen food has got to be one of the greatest developments we've made in that field. But do we really need an entire day based around it? Well, probably not. In fact most people don't even know what day it is, celebrate it, or recognize it in any way shape or form.

But it's there. It floats in the peripheral, just out of sight, waiting and watching, and then it pounces! You're left eating a pizza you cooked in the oven covered with left over mozzarella sticks and pot stickers. That's when you know the fever's got you.

So, if you don't know what I'm going to review this year, you haven't been paying attention. The name of the game every National Frozen Food Day is a dessert. This year, because I haven't had to choke down enough 'healthy' options in the last few months, we'll be reviewing WeightWatchers Smart Ones Strawberry Shortcake.

Cake.  Now with 50% fewer falsehoods than ever before.
Cake. Now with 50% fewer falsehoods than ever before.

It's a cake, it's got some strawberries on it, it's frozen, it fits the bill. Work with me here people.

These cakes have just about the shortest cooking time I've ever seen. They go in the microwave for a full 20 seconds. That's it. WeightWatchers didn't even round the cooking time to the nearest 30-second mark. It's 20 seconds, no more no less. And while that cooks, peruse the rules:

  • Rule #1:
    I must follow cooking procedures exactly as they're shown on the container. I will not deviate from those instructions in any way, and I must prepare food in the fastest manner presented to me.
  • Rule #2:
    I must consume everything that comes with the meal. No hiding of disgusting parts will be tolerated. (In the unlikely event of bones or other inedibles, allowances will be made).
  • Rule #3:
    To make sure my palate is completely free of obstructions, I may only be allowed either water or alcohol. Alcohol does not include fancy-pants fruity girly drinks.
  • Rule #4:
    All food will be graded by smell, taste and mouthfeel, with less offensive qualities receiving higher marks. At the end, each part is receives an average score. The full meal is graded by the average score of each component. Appearance of the food is not graded because, let's face it, they all look pretty bad.

Well, that was quick. Better get to it.

Strawberry Shortcake(s)
Believe it or not, that's after cooking.
Believe it or not, that's after cooking.

The cake smells like strawberries, but only a little. Most of the scent has been lost to the ravages of cold temperatures. Good thing for me, it actually tastes pretty good. The strawberries are excellent, but the cake itself is a bit on the funky side. Not 1970s funky, more like open wound in July funky.

The part that really gets me is that the cake is actually still frozen. It's not solid, but I can stick a fork in this supposedly light and fluffy pastry. If this was defrosted fully, the fork wouldn't be able to stand up like this. In a strange contrast, the cake also appears to have been undercooked. It's got a distinct raw batter taste that wouldn't be found if it was cooked all the way through. I really hope that I don't get salmonella from this.

The second cake in the pack is better. It's still mostly frozen after cooking, but the cake itself is fully baked and doesn't have as much funkiness to it.

Still.  Fucking.  Frozen.
Still. Fucking. Frozen.

Smell: 6/10
Taste: 9/10
Mouthfeel: 3/10
Total Score: (6.0/10)

Well, those cakes certainly didn't make me feel any better, but at least the strawberries were good. If you excuse me, I'm going to go rinse out my mouth and fall back into a coma until next year. Maybe by then they'll learn how to bake a fucking cake. I have a strange craving for raw cookie dough now...

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