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WeightWatcher's Smart Ones Double Fudge Cake

It's here!  It's here!
It's here! It's here!

In 1984, then President of the United States, Ronald Reagan declared March 6th to be National Frozen Food Day. Unfortunately for me, I live in Canada, where we only celebrate real holidays and not funny made-up ones that glorify poorly designed and bad tasting meals.

Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!
Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!

But Canadian or not, I'm celebrating National Frozen Food Day. Why? Because I make my bread and butter from frozen food (metaphorically speaking). People come here to learn about frozen food, so I'm going to give them what they want.

This isn't a normal Horrors of the Ice Box. Oh no. Tonight, I'm celebrating, and what's a celebration without cake?

So, here's the WeightWatcher's Smart Ones Double Fudge Cake. There's two of them here, so I guess that's a double-double fudge cake (little bit of Canadian humor for you). I put candles in them. Why candles? Because it's a celebration, and nothing says 'celebration' like little cakes fitted with candles.

There's not really too much to these things. There's a teeny-tiny cake covered in some kind of sticky fudge like topping that clung to the containers like glue, and covered with some strange toenail like objects.

Now, we aren't playing by the ordinary rules for picking 'em, but there are still rules for eating 'em:

  • Rule #1:
    I must follow cooking procedures exactly as they're shown on the container. I will not deviate from those instructions in any way, and I must prepare food in the fastest manner presented to me.
  • Rule #2:
    I must consume everything that comes with the meal. No hiding of disgusting parts will be tolerated. (In the unlikely event of bones or other inedibles, allowances will be made).
  • Rule #3:
    To make sure my palate is completely free of obstructions, I may only be allowed either water or alcohol. Alcohol does not include fancy-pants fruity girly drinks.
  • Rule #4:
    All food will be graded by smell, taste and mouthfeel, with less offensive qualities receiving higher marks. At the end, each part is receives an average score. The full meal is graded by the average score of each component. Appearance of the food is not graded because, let's face it, they all look pretty bad.

The things cook for about 10 seconds each. Well, cook is really a misnomer. It's more like an accelerated defrost. See, the cakes are made using cane sugar (glee!). Anybody who knows me, knows that I hate high glucose corn syrup. It's in everything and it just seems to have a flatter taste than ordinary sugar. Anyway, the sugar content keeps the cake from freezing entirely. Hell, the frosting was actually liquid when I took it out of the freezer. That's because the high sugar content keeps ice crystals from forming. Sort of like anti-freeze. Anyway, these things look terrible, so it's time to face the music and try them out.

Double Fudge Cake
Candles mean party in the hizzie.
Candles mean party in the hizzie.

Whoa! This ain't bad! It smells and tastes like diet chocolate, but it's close enough for Hoyle's. If I was on a diet (and just splurged 8 points, or the equivalent of a 1/4 cup of Bearnaise sauce), this wouldn't be something I'd be disappointed to get.

So, it kind of tastes like chocolate and it kind of smells like chocolate, but how's the texture? Well, it's less like cake and more like cake that's been steamrolled. The cakes are heavy and dense, which is not a good thing for cake. There aren't any chunks, and it's consistent, so I've got to give it that.

Beyond my small problem with the mouthfeel, my only real gripe is with how it looks. I specifically don't rate these things on appearance because if I did, no food would score good. It all looks bad. This is no exception. In this case though, the appearance gives the illusion that it tastes bad, and believe me, this is not the case.

Smell: 7/10
Taste: 7/10
Mouthfeel: 9/10
Total Score: (7.6/10)

So, what looked to be a promising stroll down the hell that is bad diet food has turned into what I can only describe as a pleasant experience. I've got to say, I'm a little freaked out. This has got to be the first time that I've actually enjoyed eating these cakes.

Oh God, there's somebody's fingernails in this cake!
Oh God, there's somebody's fingernails in this cake!

So, to cap things off, here's a list of foods that cost the same number of points on the Points system as both cakes:

  • 4 oz. of cooked black bear
  • 4 bloody Marys
  • 1 cheeseburger
  • All the jicama I can eat
  • 1 boston cream donut
  • 1/2 a serving of eggs Benedict
  • 2-1/2 tablespoons of pure lard
  • 1 cup of gravy
  • 8 oz. of cooked beaver
  • 2 gin and tonics
  • 8 oz. of cooked opossum
  • 160 oyster crackers
  • 25 oysters
  • 2 red snapper fillets (very tasty)
  • 3 oz. of chopped liver

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