Jordan's Page of Useless Babble

President's Choice Chipotle Chicken Quesadillas
Is it going to be a kickin' chicken, or will it just taste fowl?
Is it going to be a kickin' chicken, or will it just taste fowl?

Alright, so about a month ago, the frozen meal I was supposed to review was freezer-burned to the point where it was inedible, leaving me with a dilemma: I had nothing to review. In the nick of time though, I was able to pick something up using a coupon that my Mom had sent me, good for one (1) free box of President's Choice Quesadillas. Last time, I tried the President's Choice Smokin' Stampede Pulled Pork Quesadillas, and they were pretty good. With a couple more coupons in hand, I decided to go balls-out and grab a box each of the other two varieties.

Now, chipotle is one of my favorite things, which is strange, because I hadn't even heard about it until about two years ago, when I tried some chipotle hot sauce on my eggs at a restaurant and fell in love. Back then, it was really hard to come by in these parts, and I practically had to bribe my waitress to get a bottle of the stuff for my own.

Today, chipotle's in just about everything under the sun.

Now I can buy my own chipotle sauce in a store like a normal person and I can find it seasoning everything from chicken to cream cheese. Hopefully this won't cause the creation of a wonderful cracker (like Jalapeno Cheddars) that I'll fall in love with (like Jalapeno Cheddars) before the general public loses interest and they're discontinued (like Jalapeno Cheddars). You might say, I'm a little conflicted about the whole thing.

So, now I'm looking at a box of President's Choice Chipotle Chicken Quesadillas. Well, at least the first part of it sounds promising. And since I don't have a cutesy story like last time, you might as well read the rules now:

  • Rule #1:
    I must follow cooking procedures exactly as they're shown on the container. I will not deviate from those instructions in any way, and I must prepare food in the fastest manner presented to me.
  • Rule #2:
    I must consume everything that comes with the meal. No hiding of disgusting parts will be tolerated. (In the unlikely event of bones or other inedibles, allowances will be made).
  • Rule #3:
    To make sure my palate is completely free of obstructions, I may only be allowed either water or alcohol. Alcohol does not include fancy-pants fruity girly drinks.
  • Rule #4:
    All food will be graded by smell, taste and mouthfeel, with less offensive qualities receiving higher marks. At the end, each part is receives an average score. The full meal is graded by the average score of each component. Appearance of the food is not graded because, let's face it, they all look pretty bad.

So, this quesadilla cooks just like the last one, so there aren't any real surprises. Take out of plastic: check. Wrap in paper towel until it looks like a mummy: check. Cook for 2 minutes in the microwave: check. Take out and let rest for a minute: check. Open it up and scare the shit out of people reading this:

Oh God, it looks like a road accident!
Oh God, it looks like a road accident!

And check. So, now I guess it's time to eat!

Chipotle Chicken Quesadilla
Wait...that actually looks not horrible.
Wait...that actually looks not horrible.

Alright. First is the smell, which is actually a whole lot of not-bad. It's kind of spicy, kind of cheesy, but unfortunately, somewhat neutral, which is unfortunate. It's sort of like a owning something really special, but you aren't allowed to touch it.

The quesadilla unfortunately suffers from the same problem as its brother: poor filling coverage. I swear, the filling is relegated to a small little chunk of the tortilla, and the rest is just dry and tasteless. You will have entire bites of nothing but tortilla.

When you do actually get a bite that contains something other than mashed and pressed corn, prepare yourself for awesome. Seriously. I'm not kidding. There's a bus to Awesometown on your tongue and this quesadilla is the ticket to ride. It's kind of spicy, but manageable, and there's a bit of sweetness to it. The sweetness can be a bit overwhelming if you eat too fast though. What's surprising though is that I can actually taste the beans, cheese, chicken and chipotle distinctly from one another. It's not just one big homogenized mess.

And speaking of homogenized messes, the inside, although disgusting to behold, feels good on the tongue. There's no ground and pureed filling here. It's chunky, recognizable, and good.

The Totals:

Smell: 5.0/10
Taste: 9.0/10
Mouthfeel: 6.0/10
Total Score: (6.6/10)

So, this is definitely better than the first quesadilla in the series. But what's that? This review was short, and kind of shitty? You don't want to wait a month to read about the final flavor? Well, ok then!

President's Choice Gaujillo Vegetable Bean Quesadillas

Prepare for shock AND awe.
Prepare for shock AND awe.
So, this is the last of the three quesadillas. And it's the vegetarian option too. Yum! I swear that the people who head up the kitchens that produce vegetarian frozen foods are all carnivores who secretly wish to make life as painful as possible for veggie lovers, if only to make it easier for them to later take a bite of a steak and fall in love with flavor.

As you can tell, I'm reserving my judgement on this until I've had some.

Ok, so it's much the same drill as before. There's a tortilla, it's filled with stuff. This time, it's something called 'gaujillo'. I have no clue what that means, but I'm assuming it means 'gullible leaf-eater who is going to be eating a hotdog later tonight'.

(Ok, so I did some research and found out that gaujillo is actually a dried, sweet pepper that's very common in Mexican cooking. I guess it's like the previous two that illustrated their main flavor: smoking or chipotle.)

So, just as soon as I freak you out with another glimpse inside a quesadilla:

It's like that scene from the movie Alien!
It's like that scene from the movie Alien!

Ok, I guess I can begin now!

Gaujillo Vegetable Bean Quesadilla
Not pictured: wallpaper-peeling stench.
Not pictured: wallpaper-peeling stench.

The second I took the quesadilla out of the microwave, it hit me: the stench. It's an absolutely revolting smell, like hot vinegar crossed with wet cardboard or decomposing tomatoes left out in the hot sun. I'm not exaggerating when I tell you that I was retching when I got close to this thing.

Even letting it cool down a bit didn't help. The smell didn't so much go away as it hunkered down and called for reinforcements.

Oh! Now I know how to describe the smell! Have you ever walked past a grocery store's dumpster in the middle of a hot summer's day? That's the wretched stench that I've got going on in my kitchen.

So, while I'm not fully confident that this won't kill me by smell alone, I still have to actually eat it. Them's the rules. Thankfully, it's got the same damned issue as the other two quesadillas, so I'm able to procrastinate by eating around the filling at first, while I build up my confidence and resilience to the stink.

The first bite is pretty damned horrible. It's like I just took a big bite out of a wet penny. It's so coppery that if I left it outside overnight, I'm pretty sure somebody would steal it and try to sell it to a scrap metal yard to get money to buy meth. Not only is it coppery, but it's acidic and has the power to instantly induce heartburn.

You want a good side? Here's a good side: the pieces inside are like the chicken, and it's not all pureed. It's actually not bad that way, but it stinks, it tastes utterly disgusting and to top it all off, there's a powerful, and I mean Olympian in proportion aftertaste to this fucker. It's like a jar of salsa had diarrhea and shit in the back of my throat. It's been a few hours and I'm still getting a little queasy just thinking of the taste.

The Totals:

Smell: 2.0/10
Taste: 2.0/10
Mouthfeel: 6.0/10
Total Score: (3.3/10)

Ugh, that was just soul-crushing in it's horror.

Bottom line is this: Vegetarian meals suck: no exceptions. Eat some chicken you pansy.

Next time: I'm going to cry softly in the fetal position while lying in my shower.

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