Jordan's Page of Useless Babble

No-Name Chicken Nugget Dinner
Ahhh crap.
Ahhh crap.

It's official. The mad-man who's currently holding me prisoner has been feeding me fish-filled tacos. These things are pretty horrible tasting. It almost comes as a joy when a new frozen dinner has been placed here. Almost.

Today's abomination on delivery, care of my captor is the No Name Chicken Nugget Dinner. Looks to be pretty standard fare: chicken nuggets, corn, mashed potatoes and enough barbeque sauce to drown a coma patient or incredibly stupid child with. Now, I've done No Name frozen dinners before, and all in all, it was kind of iffy. I don't really know what to expect here.

As far as sauce-quantity goes, these guys get a gold star. I don't think I've seen this much sauce in a meal that didn't have Chef Boyardee's face on the side of it.

And now, because we're all gluttons for punishment, here are the rules:

  • Rule #1:
    I must follow cooking procedures exactly as they're shown on the container. I will not deviate from those instructions in any way, and I must prepare food in the fastest manner presented to me.
  • Rule #2:
    I must consume everything that comes with the meal. No hiding of disgusting parts will be tolerated. (In the unlikely event of bones or other inedibles, allowances will be made).
  • Rule #3:
    To make sure my palate is completely free of obstructions, I may only be allowed either water or alcohol. Alcohol does not include fancy-pants fruity girly drinks.
  • Rule #4:
    All food will be graded by smell, taste and mouthfeel, with less offensive qualities receiving higher marks. At the end, each part is receives an average score. The full meal is graded by the average score of each component. Appearance of the food is not graded because, let's face it, they all look pretty bad.
It's like eating seawater!
It's like eating seawater!
Wow...the shape of the tray is surreal.
Wow...the shape of the tray is surreal.

Let's talk about nutrition for a second. I know it's pretty easy to pick on the nutritional quality of these things, but I must. All and all, this doesn't look to be much worse than most of the stuff that comes by. The salt however is substantial. This has almost half of your salt intake for the day (that is if you're of average age, height and weight). An extra glass or two of water should help fix that though. I can get water right? No? Just checking.

One more little thing before we get down to the brass tacks. You'll notice the shape and position of the container. Pretty close to the pictures I use to score these things. This guy must really be a fan. Ok, anyway, on with the show.

Chicken Nuggets

That's uncomfortably sensual.
That's uncomfortably sensual.
The smell is not bad. It's very inoffensive. Almost like chicken. Not quite all the way there, but close. It's very muted. It tastes like chicken. As surprising as it sounds, this actually caught me off guard. I'm not used to the chicken in these things tasting anything like chicken. What's even more suprising is that the breading on the nuggets is crispy. Out of the microwave. Without any fancy gizmos.

How is it that a No Name brand dinner can get something crispy out of the microwave with zero effort and Stouffer's, which is arguably a much bigger company can't get it right, even with a device specifically designed to make things crispy? What in the hell is wrong here?

Smell: 5/10
Taste: 9/10
Mouthfeel: 8/10
Total Score: (7.3/10)


Who's a horrible version of an awesome vegetable?  You are!  Yes you are!
Who's a horrible version of an awesome vegetable? You are! Yes you are!
Ahhh frozen dinner corn, one of my greatest nemeses. It's an enigma. It's small, uniformly shaped and one of the first foods that was ever flash-frozen. This stuff has history, yet it's a gamble. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad.

This stuff almost smells like canned corn. There's a slight whiff of a musty smell, like a wet dog in the apartment next to yours. As far as actually eating it...well, it kind-of, sort-of, tastes like canned corn, but it's dry and clung desperately to my teeth to avoid being eaten.

Smell: 4/10
Taste: 6/10
Mouthfeel: 4/10
Total Score: (4.6/10)

Mashed Potatoes

Worst.  Potatoes.  Ever.
Worst. Potatoes. Ever.
Ok, let me start by saying that this stuff smells awful, and it's easily the worst smelling potatoes I've come across while doing these reviews. The bile rose up in my throat just from a small whiff. The potatoes themselves are dry and very crumbly. There appeared to be a small sliver of artificial butter-flavored substance™ in there to help, but it didn't do much good. The stuff falls apart in the mouth like wet sand.

The taste is very hard to describe. It's salty, overly sweet, oily, heavily chemical and just all around bad. Ok, so maybe it wasn't so hard to describe that after all.

These are easily the worst potatoes I've come across in my life. If they somehow were able to make them take on a gluey consistency while still being crumbly, it might just have to win some kind of freaking award.

Smell: 3/10
Taste: 1/10
Mouthfeel: 2/10
Total Score: (2.0/10)

Barbeque Sauce

Yeah, I just referenced the McNugget Buddies.  What are you gonna do about it?
Yeah, I just referenced the McNugget Buddies. What are you gonna do about it?
Last but not least is the barbeque sauce. As I said before, there's a metric fuckload of the stuff. Way more than anyone could ever use on six chicken nuggets.

So, the sauce itself is placed in it's own little tub, and since it's gone through a microwave, it's also hot, like a little tiny barbeque sauce jacuzzi. It's sort of like a McDonaldland commercial. As long as my chicken nuggets don't start talking, I think it'll be ok.

The sauce itself smells acidic. If you put your face next to a hot steamy bowl of white vinegar, not only would you be an idiot, but you'd also have a good idea of what this stuff smells like. It's also a lot thinner than other barbeque sauces, almost watery.

Now, remember when I said that it smelled like hot vinegar? Well, it also tastes like hot vinegar too! It's an amazing value! There's not even really any taste to it. It's just salty vinegar. This wouldn't normally be that bad, but I had a couple of canker sores that began to sing in pain from just the slightest touch of the sauce.

Smell: 2/10
Taste: 2/10
Mouthfeel: 4/10
Total Score: (2.6/10)

The Totals:

Smell: 3.5/10
Taste: 4.5/10
Mouthfeel: 4.5/10
Total Score: (4.2/10)

Wow, so the thing started off strong...the chicken nuggets were good and the corn was passable, but the potatoes and the sauce were horrid. It's like somebody figured out a way to turn Aliens vs. Predator into food. It's pretty good when you start off, but then things take a sharp decline, and next thing you know, it's over, you feel disappointed and you've got less money than you started with.

Bottom line is this: I would get paper cuts all over my body and then take an ice cold vinegar shower than have to eat this again. But if somebody around me goes for it, I might steal a chicken nugget.

Well, that was certainly interesting. Maybe I can do another one of these soon? They sure beat the fish tacos. Wait...I can't believe I actually want to do another one of these articles.

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